If It Walks Like a Duck and Acts Like a Duck……..
Well it’s Saturday morning after a very long spring break. I get up, make the coffee and prepare for the three parasites to make their appearances sometime after about two pm. The teenagers can accomplish confusing their days and nights in just a standard weekend so a full week is a pattern that can only bet fixed with the 6:30 wake up on Monday morning. There will be yelling, crying, throwing things, and begging to which I will smile and say “I told ya so”. I have warned and threatened all week and have been forced to suffer a million teenage sighs and eye rolls so the “I told ya so” I get to enjoy on Monday morning will be followed by an evil grin and laugh that will rival any Disney villain ever created. As they beg and plead I will be doing my best Cruella de Vil, Ursula, and Evil Queen impersonations. I haven’t decided yet if I I will mix them all together for the ultimate super villain or give each one of the parasites their own experience. I’m a evil mom so I’m leaning toward the ultimate super villain.
Now them sleeping late has had some advantages for me. We live in a neighborhood where each of my parasites has their own groups of people their ages to hang out. This causes them, over 90% of the time, to completely ignore the fact they have siblings and do their own thing. They basically act as if they are each only children. The only times they acknowledge each other is when they are forced to interact. This does cause an interesting phenomena which is they very rarely fight.
This spring break we decided to stay home. The problem with this is most of the neighbors decided to travel. This caused a week of my parasites to interact with each other. The first few days were peaceful because it seemed to be a new playmate for each, but by Wednesday the standard “GET OUT” “I HATE YOU” and “YOU’RE AND IDIOT” and then dreaded “MOM- HE HIT ME” started to be yelled throughout the house. At first I started to say “Do not talk to your sibling that way” and “Do not hit your sister” but after about 24 hours of the insanity I started to say “If any of you get really hurt and you started it- it’s your own fault and don’t come crying to me”
When I grew up there were consequences to actions. If you hit your sister and she hit you back and it hurt I was told “Well you shouldn’t of hit her first” I never got a spanking (ass beating for those of you not from the south) without the dreaded “I have decided you will receive three licks, but first please tell me why you are getting them” If I said anything other than the offense I had committed one lick was added. I learned after the first two times of saying “I don’t know” and getting licks added to just take personal responsibility and admit the offense I had committed. I knew what I had done, but taking personal responsibility was always much tougher than the licks that were coming. I knew I had done the deed and it was time to pay the piper, but admitting it was always the more cruel and unusual part of the punishment. I wanted to blame someone else, make excuses, and say it wasn’t my fault but that just wasn’t part of dad’s deal. Admit your misdeeds and accept your punishment was the only deal that was gonna get made in my house.
This started me to think about personal responsibility, or lack thereof, in our society today.
I watched a news program last night where a 14 almost 15 year girl had stolen liquor from her mother, gotten a little tipsy, texted a 16 or 17 year old boy to come get her to have sex, proceeded to sneak out of her mothers house, had sex with the boy, and then continued to have more to drink. This child was sitting on national television admitting to this behavior. She then proceeded to blame the boy, the school for being mean to her, and the police for not prosecuting the boy for rape. I’m still confused about what rape when she initiated, but ok? Luckily even two separate panels of DA”s and people said there was no rape so what even amazed me more was her mother sitting right there with her blaming everyone else for her daughters behavior. Society is trying to teach her personal responsibility, but mom absolutely not. She was mad that people had called her a slut. All I could think was “well baby girl if it walks like a duck and it acts like a duck……” There was a little more to it and the boy did make a bad judgement call after everything else happened, but how exactly is none of that her fault?? How exactly does she deserve rally’s saying “Justice for Daisy”? Justice for what? She made terrible judgement calls – how is anyone else to blame?
Now before everyone freaks out and starts throwing large boulders at my head again – let me just say – I have a daughter and the last time I checked I am a woman. I also consider myself lucky that I have the ability to raise children of each sex which allows me to see things from both sides of the issue and I believe we have gone way too far in telling our girls they do not have to take responsibility for their own bad behavior or decisions anymore. I am ALL for protecting women and DO NOT want to go back to the days of the thoughts of “she was asking for it”, but I also do not want my daughter to think that any time in life she ever regrets a decision she consciously made it obviously wasn’t her fault and she can just blame the boy.
As a woman and a mother all of this confusing of the term rape by our society is extremely disturbing. The definition of rape is simple. Rape is an act of aggression. Rape requires a conscious decision on the males part to do something against the woman’s will. Against her will can be an act of violence or even an act where she cannot make a conscious decision. Rape is not- I regret the decision I had to have sex with them this morning because someone will be mad or oops I had a lapse in judgement and he should of somehow known that through osmosis or even I didn’t want anyone to know and they will call me names so I’ll just say he made me. So that being said – if it was her conscious will to have sex then it wasn’t rape. The only exception is children and adults and that’s a completely different issue.
What bothers me most about this girl and her mother is that by trying to play this game and saying a false allegation there are other girls who deserve justice that will never get it because they are too scared to come forward. They will see this program and see she was called names and the boy was not prosecuted and think they will not get justice either. They won’t understand that he was not prosecuted because it wasn’t rape or that she was called names that she had earned all by herself fair and square. This girl didn’t get justice because there was no justice to give. I want the girls who deserve justice to come forward and I am afraid this mother and daughter have hurt that process not helped.
The reason this is so disturbing to me is because my goal is to raise my parasites to be good humans. How can I teach my daughter how to control her personal sexual responsibility and my boys to respect women sexually when the rules have gotten so completely out of whack? How do I say “sorry kid- you did the crime so you’ll do the time” when there are mothers on national television constantly blaming others for their children’s bad decisions or actions. How do I teach my boys how and when their behavior is inappropriate or appropriate when they could change on a whim the next morning? How do I explain to my daughter that her reputation is hers to control and right, wrong, or indifferent society will give you the one you earn when there are people on TV saying it’s not her fault?
I guess all I can do in this crazy no fault society we live in today is to just keep raising mine to try to take personal responsibility for their actions and to understand that consequences are part of life whether anyone else does or not. You can bet I will not be on TV blaming it on anyone else. Every decision they make and every action they have will always have a consequence. Some will be good and some will be bad, but a consequence just the same. I can only pray that the consequence of teaching them to take personal responsibility is their ultimate knowledge of right and wrong and if no one else does at least they will have each other even if it’s through the brotherly and sisterly punches of love.
That’s What True Equality Means To Me!!
When I set out on my adventure of blogging it was just for me. I needed a place to ramble and get some of my stupid idea’s off my chest. After about a million years of marriage the hubby is tired of hearing them all the time and the parasites have reached the ages where I’m now the dumbest woman alive and very little I say is ever worth listening. The most confusing part though is they enjoy reading them?? I had the thought that maybe I should go mute and write everything on my tablet and pass it around, but I am convinced they would just learn to hit delete then too. Maybe there eyes will absorb more than their ears until their brains come back or they at least think mine did. If it is based on my experience- maybe when they’re 25.
I’ve learned one of the great things about writing this blog is that I am not alone in my insanity. There are more people out there like me or at least people who enjoy roaming around in my brain and seeing the strange humor for 15 minutes a day. When I started to write my mama and one of my friends (whose brain is usually in more of overdrive than mine) were my main points of inspiration. I would talk to them on the phone for 15 minutes a day. Every time I hung up I had a new blog. My mama finally said one day as I started to laugh- “Crap- You’re gonna use that aren’t you? I should just quit talking now” (crap is the worst word she can muster-good southern church women only say shit if a bomb went off next to them and then it can be questionable)
Now something very cool (or scary depending on how you want to look at it) is starting to happen. People have now started to send me in idea’s to write. I’ve always had great friends, but how cool is that? They read an interesting article that could be considered controversial and BAM- I get a “hey- you might wanna write on this topic. I think you could make it entertaining.” One- I love they think I could make it entertaining and two- yeah I don’t have to think as hard today. It also helps me keep my brain roaming around with a million idea’s for days to come. FYI- thanks for the sleep deprivation when my brain is still writing at 2 am too.
One such article was sent to me by a friend the other day that my brain just requires me to spout my brand of nonsense.
This article was from New York Daily News on March 30th. It is about the grief that Susan Patton, one of the first female Princeton graduates in 1977, received after writing a letter to the editor in The Daily Princetonian. This article outraged many women rights advocates because she basically gave women the advice to find their husband on campus before they graduate. Being me and a little crazy I immediately had to go find this article and read it in it’s entirety. I have a daughter growing up and wanted to see if any of this was good advice.
Now the premise of her letter to the editor does have some merit for those of us who actually live in reality land. Granted most people want to live in Politically Correct land where we all can be anything, have it all, and always have rainbows and sunshine coming out of our asses. She never tells women not to chase their professional dreams nor does she tell them not to pursue their goals. The premise of her letter is this:
1) We bombard young women with professional career advice while ignoring advice of a personal nature and the personal part of your life will be explicitly tied to their overall happiness.
2) As women age the amount of men who are their intellectual equals goes down and a woman can’t be happy with anyone who is not
3) They will never have this large of a Olympic sized pool of eligible bachelors again that are your intellectual equals to chose. Men as they age look for younger women so their pool gets larger and ours turn into kiddie pools.
Before the bounder sized rocks start whizzing by my head- she does have some valid points, but there’s a few flaws in her logic.
1) We do have a tendency today to bombard our daughters and young women with career and life advice that doesn’t include marriage and family. If they choose- marriage and family will be a huge part of their overall happiness and should be addressed. We spent the 70’s and 80’s singing that commercial jingle “I can bring home the bacon, Fry it up in a pan, and never ever let you forget you’re a man” I remember my generation grew up thinking that we could actually pull that crap off. When I say crap- I mean crap. We wanted it all and we thought we could pull it off. She went to work, came home and looked like a super model cooking dinner and obviously still had a happy husband- I could do that!! Then the reality set it- the jingle was WRONG!! Once you throw in kids to that equation it should have sounded like this “I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, change the diapers, drive to practice, do the homework, give baths, and never ever let you forget you’re a man” That is not a liberated woman- that’s a frazzled, overworked, sleep deprived, mess of a life! Yes teaching our daughters about how to balance their professional and personal lives is important. We should be teaching them they can have it all. We should just change the definition of a liberated woman. A liberated woman is not one who can do it all- A truly liberated woman is one who doesn’t have to do it by themselves.
2) There is more to a marriage than just intellectual compatibility. I’m not saying it’s not important because I wouldn’t want to particularly live with someone who was dumb as mud, but some might. Many people marry for many reasons and none aren’t valid. There are also many types of intelligence. In the South we separate them into “book smarts” and “common sense” I have a cousin who is absolutely book smart brilliant, but has zero common sense. He can put together a multi-million dollar deal, but forgets where he parks his car and reports it stolen. I can’t put together a multi-million dollar deal, but I can usually find my car. Who is to say which form of intelligence is more valid or useful? As a matter of fact we are usually jealous of which ever we don’t have. If a successful marriage is about complimenting each other shouldn’t the extremely book smart person marry someone who has common sense. Wouldn’t it be wiser for the book smart partner to close his deals while the common sense partner finds the car? If not wiser- definitely easier. Humor is also a huge portion of long term compatibility. Raising your little parasites will be more challenging than anything you will ever do in your life unless you become President of the United States. That seems to be the only career path that ages people faster than raising children. If you can’t both learn to laugh together at the ridiculousness of what has become of your everyday life you will start to go mad. For several years those bouts of laughter you have together will be the more intimate than the quickies you have in the bathroom while the kids are watching cartoons. Pick the partner with traits that work for you and don’t be ashamed if it takes a few.
3) I understand what she’s saying about men wanting younger women, but I don’t think she’s giving near enough men near enough credit. She actually says in the article that men as they age are only looking for women who are pretty and we’ll settle for a little dumber than they are to accomplish the looks. Now I have had more men friends than women friends most of my life and for the record- THAT’S JUST NOT TRUE!! The only women who believe that are women who have very few men friends. Those are the scary women my friends used to date that only had female friends. Their idea’s on how men think are a convoluted mess of too many nights of wine sitting around with women complaining. There are no more superficial men that are only looking for that in a partner than there are superficial women only looking for money. Guess what- those people usually end up together and get what they deserve. Would you really want that man anyway? Let the superficial be superficial together. Most men truly want just a few things in a partner. They want a partner who is confident and secure in themselves. They want a partner they can relate too. After a certain age men don’t even change their clothing style since they were in high school so they certainly don’t want to learn a whole new generation. They want a woman to need their strength even if it is something as simple as to take out the trash. They want to not think too much. The best wedding advice I was ever given was simple and clear and still rings true to 90% of the men I have met in my life. Men are simple creatures and if you want to keep them happy do three simple things . Be a kind mama in the kitchen, a funny sister on the couch and slut in the bedroom and don’t confuse the three. If you can pull those few simple things off and weren’t hit by every branch of the ugly tree on the way down they don’t care if you’re 20 or 60 and will do their best to keep you happy too. If they can’t appreciate and respect those skills- let em go find the gold digger. You just keep on saying NEXT cause I promise eventually one will!
I applaud Susan Patton saying the absolutely non politically correct because I think her heart was in the right place. She wants women to bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan and never forget he’s a man. She wants them to have it all, but she’s a generation behind is why everyone went nuts. I want my daughter to have it ALL! I want her to be liberated in the truest sense of the word. I want her to do what makes her happy! If she wants to have a career then be liberated enough to choose to stay single or to choose a partner who will assist her in life and respect her for her strengths and compliment her weaknesses. I want her to be liberated and confident in herself to know that partner will come along and her believe she’s a hell of a catch when he does and be liberated in her decision to raise a family if she chooses
Isn’t that what all women have been fighting for all these generations? It’s not just equal pay, equal job opportunities, or even equal benefits. True liberation means true equality to make our own decisions and be respected for them all. Now that I’m done bringing home the bacon- I’m gonna do what generations of women before me have done and go pull off my bra through my sleeves, put on comfy cloths, fry up the bacon, and remind my husband he never ever should let me forget I’m a woman. That’s what true equality means to me!!
JUST CUZ
I am luckier than most and my job allows me to work from my home, Being in sales I am usually running around the city in appointments and cussing traffic, but every now and then there is a day where I have no appointments and spend my day on conference calls and doing busy work. I wake up, get the kids off to school, drink a pot of coffee, turn on the computer, start work, and basically sit at my desk in front of my computer on the phone in pajama’s and bath robe until noon. Needless to say on these days I am a beautiful bed head site. My hair has been known to accomplish sticking straight out a good 6 inches all the way around my head. If you just saw me you would think I had been struck by lightening during the night. I have red hair so if you add in the no make-up factor and pale skin I could pass for the scariest clown at the circus. I can make toddlers cry at 40 paces.
Now as I work I usually have the TV on in the background for “the noise” factor. I don’t know about you, but living with 4 other humans, 2 dogs, a bird, a lizard, and a container full of crickets has suddenly made me deathly afraid of things being too quiet. If the house gets too quiet I start to hyperventilate and start to feel a panic attack coming. I am convinced the old saying “the quiet before the storm” wasn’t written about the weather. It was written by a mother of boys who knew good and well if she had 5 minutes of peace it would be shortly interrupted by an explosion or a trip to the ER (or both). So I keep the TV on for the noise so I can relax.
I very rarely pay much attention to the noise that is going on in the background. This is not really a hard feat- (have you seen daytime TV lately?) It’s a string of mindless talk shows where we talk about celebrities dresses, divorces, meditation and yoga techniques. If they aren’t just sitting there talking they are cooking and talking. Basically daytime TV has turned into every party I’ve been to since my thirties. The women just stand around in the kitchen and chat and graze on snacks, I don’t understand or really even remember when that change happened. Suddenly just one day we went from males and females all together in the living room hanging out and talking to the women in the kitchen and males on the deck. I think it’s just be hardwired into the human brain when we turn thirty or maybe by then we have just been married long enough we are craving company of our own kind. I do have days when I think: OH please for the love of God can I have an estrogen adult conversation. Oop- wandering again, back to topic.
Now my favorite part about day time TV is absolutely none of the commercials are written for me. I am not even close to any of their demographics. I am convinced the advertisers believe the ONLY people in America who ever even turn on a TV during the day consist in three categories:
1) New moms
2) Elderly
3) You have been in a horrible accident
Now I am thankful I do not fit any of these demographics. I have NO need now for baby toys, wipes, or diapers nor do I ever want to again. The only time I will ever buy these again (if they aren’t on a registry) is hopefully for my grandkids and based on the ages of my own parasites let’s hope and pray that’s after the AARP card comes in the mail. I don’t qualify yet for AARP even though my body feels a hundred every morning as my knees creak as I go down the stairs. Maybe the qualifications should change from age to body noises. I could send them in a tape of my bones and I’m pretty sure they would gladly send me a card. I could use the discounts on hotel rooms.
Now my personal favorite are the injury attorneys. These guys must spend 100% of their entire advertising budgets between the hours of 10 am and 4 pm. They are approximately 1/3 of all commercials on during the day. They don’t spend much of that budget on the commercials, just on the time. The commercials are poorly put together. They are all the same. The attorney tells you how he’s going to fight for you and get you more money. Then a few testimonials from people that got astronomical amounts of money (which are usually ugly enough that they could be real- they can’t possibly be professional actors) Then the attorney comes back with the disclaimer that he can’t guarantee you that much. If you listen to their commercials you can sue for anything. Today one in particular perked up my ears. They wanted me to sue if I had ever used talcum powder and got cancer because it is based on a new study. Of course it wasn’t that simple, but talcum powder? Hasn’t pretty much everyone here used powder at some point in their lives? How did this study accomplish getting a control group? Did they start at births in 1968 and tell certain moms they couldn’t use powder on their babies butts and tell other moms to go to town with the powder? Did they follow these children for the last 40 years and tell the adults in the control group – I know you have jock itch, but sorry no powder for you? Who even thought to file for grant money to study the link between cancer and powder? Was it a guy who had a lot of issue’s and used a lot of powder and got cancer and thought “hmmm- I’m sure it wasn’t the fact I smoked 30 years that caused this- it must be the powder?” Heaven forbid it not be “just cuz” Whatever happened to “Just Cuz”? Somethings in life just can’t be explained or sued away. Who can explain why certain people can eat horrid food and never have high cholesterol while other people can eat just raw veggies and be off the chart? Why do some people who exercise and are in great health fall over dead from a heart attack? Who can explain why some people can smoke, or I guess now use powder, for 60 years and never develop cancer why other people do? Who can explain why certain parents can raise 2 great kids and one complete cluster while raising them the same? Somethings really just have no correct answer nor can there be anyone or anything to blame- sometimes the answers really are “JUST CUZ”
No Returns Accepted
Shhhh- come here- no come closer- I have a very disturbing secret to tell you. This is going to be extremely shocking to some of you, but I’m not perfect. Nope I’m not perfect and never have been. As a matter of fact- it seems most of my most severe defects came from birth. My parents tried to give me a warning label, but the Department of Family and Children Services said it was just too cruel. When I met my future husband they did their best to warn him. They spent the year before the marriage making sure he knew every defect before he said “I do”. I think they were petrified he would say “I do” and feel duped and try to bring me back. In Southern society you truly are never considered a “REAL” adult til you get married and someone else has to take responsibility and go get you when you break down on the side of the road. It had taken them 30 years to get someone to take me off their hands and pick me up and they certainly didn’t want me back- especially with little ones in tow. Luckily he was and is stubborn and has a quirky sense of humor so we survive.
Now I have always said that parasites (or children for those of you who are nicer than me) are just God’s way of laughing at you while he shows you all of your own strengths and weakness magnified by a thousand every day. Now that I am through with the diapers, the cherub faced toddlers, and almost through the elementary years I am realizing there is actually light at the end of the tunnel. Now I used to think the light at the end of the tunnel meant I, and they, would survive the teenage years and they would pack their stuff and leave for college with a kiss on the cheek and a swift kick on the backside. Now that I can see the pinprick of light I am actually realizing that the end of the tunnel actually probably means getting them through college and hopefully mated off for life.
This has started me thinking about making their own warning labels. I’ve raised them and since many of their most annoying defects seem to be inherited from me -who better to write them? The list so far sounds a little like this:
1) Unless you install self closing cabinet doors and drawers in your house they will always remain open
2) Yes they see the toilet paper holder, but the cabinet next to the toilet and the back of the toilet are perfectly acceptable places to for it to sit. Hey- it avoids the fight over if it rolls off the top or bottom.
3) Piles of random stuff are an perfectly acceptable organization method
4) King size beds are designed for only a twin sized portion to be slept on
5) You may take a cold shower at some point in your marriage because the gas bill was accidentally forgotten to be paid
6) They will borrow your car because theirs is too dirty for anyone else to see
Now many people consider these traits lazy, but in their defense (mainly mine) they just seem to be trivial when your brain has already wondered off to the next task. My brain wonders off a lot so I’m usually lucky if I ever finish a whole task. I opened the cabinet and got the glass so now my brain has moved on to getting something to drink- the closing of the cabinet just never entered the equation. I got the toilet paper and now I need to use it- putting it on the roll holder just didn’t go in the order of what needed to be done. I have the money to pay it so I can just do it tomorrow. They just get mad and turn it off when you say I’ll do it tomorrow for about 60 days. Who knew it took three days to turn it back on? Everyone else turns them back on the same day so that one only took once. 🙂
I think after raising our parasites most parents start to understand arranged marriages – we have more wisdom and can see the issue’s coming a mile away. Alas- we are doomed to watch them make them same mistakes and pray for the right one to come along. I just pray that after I warn their future mates that they have picked and brought home to mama that they will get a twinkle in their eye, giggle and say “I love closing cabinet doors, putting toilet paper on the roll, organizing piles, snuggling, taking cold showers, and cleaning cars” to which I will lovingly reply “You are the one and keep that sense of humor you may need it. Oh and by the way- you have been warned so no returns accepted!!”
I’m Above the Weather
So I missed a day writing yesterday because I was under the weather. Not that I have ever understood the term under the weather. Why can’t we just say sick? Under the weather sounds like I was playing in the rain. What in the world does weather have to do with my throat hurting and running a fever. Speaking of strange terms- exactly where is my fever running? Did it sign up for a marathon and not tell me? If it did- I’m not going without a scary clown with a knife chasing me
Oh sorry- I wandered off- back to point! So I was sick yesterday (not under the weather- what ever that means) and took a day off of writing. Actually I took the day off of everything. It’s hard to accomplish much while your fever is running a marathon. Oops- wandering again.
It’s amazing the things you actually notice when you are not capable of human interaction and are stuck with daytime TV and the internet. I actually can just lay in my bed now with a smartphone and know everything that is going on in the world with a swipe of my finger. Here’s a few things I learned while I was under the weather:
1) Someone is notoriously complaining abut the weather. Now granted – it is Spring in the South which is a little schizophrenic. In the last thirty six hours we have successfully gone from 70 degree’s to 20. I actually saw snow/sun today. I’ve always heard of the “Devil Beating his Wife’ when it’s raining and the sun is shining so I guess we’ll just call that the Devil Beating Jack Frost. Hey- don’t freak out- I left out the word off.
2) There are A Lot of religious people. I am a believer that everyone should be religious and rejoice in their beliefs. We live in a land of religious freedom and you should always be able to worship freely and share those beliefs. But come on now- who are some of you fooling? If there were as many religious people as I see on Facebook, TV, and the internet there wouldn’t be an empty pew in the nation. FYI – I’m not talking to anyone in particular, but if you got offended – it wasn’t really at me.
3) People on both sides take their politics waaaaay too seriously. There is nothing like seeing the posts on occasions where people have been unfriended or have unfriended someone because of a difference in political views on Facebook. Now granted I do believe we all take things too seriously and no one seems to know the art of debating anymore without turning into a two year old and insulting each other. Most debates now sound more like “You’re a poo poo head!!” “No- You’re a poo poo head!” Those debates always go well and usually end up with a “MOM” being yelled which is hard when the participants are in their 40’s. What tickles me about these debates is they are not hard to avoid in the first place. If you watch closely you should always know their political beliefs based on their posts anyway. If they post them daily exactly what is going through your mind that makes you think your arguments are gonna change them anyway? Trust me- you’re not that good!! Why do they have to believe what you do anyway? Let them rant- if it bugs you that much when they post pictures of their kids- quietly make fun of them and be glad yours are better looking.
4) There seems to be very few independent thoughts anymore. I remember when Facebook started most posts were of the people on Facebook’s life. You could keep up with friends who you no longer saw. You heard what was going on in their lives, saw their families, and saw how well or badly they’ve aged. Oh come on now, admit it- there are a least a few you’ve looked at and said “Phew- at least I aged better than that” Now if you have a Facebook go back to your page when you are done and look I bet approximately 3/4 of everything on the page is a share of something else. You don’t really need to talk to anyone anymore just look at the things they’ve shared. They will tell you everything you need to know about their religion, their politics, their social awareness, what their family does, and their sense of humor. I’m guilty too because some things are just too funny to me not to share, but we miss hearing about your lives. I like seeing your kids and families (even the ugly ones) I think reality is always comic and I miss the reality so if you would post us something from just you soon. Unless you wanna share this and then by all means go right ahead 🙂
5) There are a lot of people cooking very good food and none are sharing with me. As I laid in my bed I saw and heard about lunches and dinners. As I lay there eating tomato soup and banana Popsicle’s (Yes I know I’m weird, but that’s another story) I saw all this wonderful food. I saw sushi, hamburgers wrapped in bacon, waffles, cookie cakes, muffins, salads, and casseroles. I heard about pot roast, chicken alfredo, and steak and potatoes. All of this made me hungry so I turned on the TV – lo and behold- more food! When did 1/2 the shows on TV start to be cooking shows? I’m shocked we are a society moving toward obese- all we do is talk about food. It’s not that hard to cook like a professional if you just watch cooking shows all day. I’ve always said I could be too, but until I get a sous chef they are getting hamburger helper. All that chopping is exhausting. You would think at least one of the parasites would of stepped up by now, but no such luck. I can’t tell some days of they are lazy are just like my crappy food. Either way- they aren’t starving nor or they obese so I’m going with cooking crappy food is good for them. If you’re not going to share your food with me- It’s my justification and I’m sticking to it!
I’m finally starting to feel better again so maybe tomorrow I’ll get back out in the real world and see what I can learn amusing while I’m above the weather.
Tag You’re It
I have a lot of friends out there that have only one child. I can’t even imagine the bliss of having just one. If there are two of you raising this one child you can hand them off to each other like a game of tag. OK- I’m done- tag you’re it. Someone will always have the attention span to be obsessed with there daily activities and ramblings. I’m even jealous some days of the parents with just two. Not being outnumbered seems cool too. I’m pretty sure my three parasites have learned that if they all bombard me at once I will mess up at least one out of the three answers. Even when I try saying go ask your dad- I can only get rid of one which leaves me still trying to have two conversations and out numbered. I have learned me out numbered is always better than dad outnumbered because multitasking for him is more difficult. When he gets out numbered the next conversation goes something like this:
Parasite 1: “But Dad said I could I go to the party and leave at one am”
Me: Look of disgust in hubby’s general direction
Dad: “No I did not”
Parasite 2: “Yes you did – you gave him permission at the same time you told me I could wear the tub top”
Me: Same look of disgust- but adding in the standard “Really?”
Dad: “No I did not”
Parasite 3: “Yes you did- you also told me you were gonna build me the skateboard ramp I wanted that’s 6 feet tall”
Me: Look of disgust turns to in general disbelief and I just hang my head knowing the very next statements coming
Dad: “Well I obviously wasn’t paying attention so it’s a no to all of the above and ask your mother”
The funniest thing about raising multiple parasites is their vast differences in personalities. They were all created the same way (maybe not in the same positions, but in the same way). They each grew in my belly for 9 months. I went to the hospital and pushed or had them cut out. I brought them each home. I changed each of their diapers and rocked them in the same chair. I sang them the same songs to sleep and read them the same books. I even feed them each from my breast and the same foods. So where do they get off being so different and making me have three parenting styles now?
They were even different as infants. The first boy came home, ate every four hours and slept through the night at 4 weeks. The second came home very similar, but she was a girl so every difference I decided was just a difference in the sexes. The hubby and I thought we kinda had it licked so when God decided to surprise us with the third we were excited. Then he came home. He was a demon child. He had colic and cried unstoppable for hours for the first three months. He refused to take a pacifier so there was no rest for the wicked. I guess I should of seen this little nut coming. I’m just glad God sent him last or we would be one of those parents of only children I’m jealous of from above.
As they get older the differences seem to be becoming more pronounced. Some are based on their sex and some are based on order of birth, but most seem to be from the womb. The eldest is still quiet. Getting any information out of him is worse than pulling teeth. If the CIA is looking for someone to hold national secrets- he’s your man. He has always been emotionally independent and was never my snuggler. The middle child has NO secrets and I mean NONE. She would talk to a fence if there’s no one else to listen. She can’t lie and never shuts up. Today she was with me and talked non-stop for 3 hours. I’m not even sure she took a breath. She is definitely not CIA material. Maybe an ESPN commentator, but don’t give her a secret. She’s extremely conservative and rarely even requires supervision. I spend a lot of days thinking that this child was switched at the hospital and there is some perfectly nice conservative family out there trying to raise my hell’yun. The demon child just keeps me in stitches and always keeps us on our toes. He has a tendency to be my Facebook star because the things that come out of his mouth are usually pretty funny. The scary part that no one actually realizes is that those are just the one’s that are safe for public consumption. He was born stubborn and there are many a day I’m not sure he will make it to adulthood. He will give me almost all of my gray hair. I don’t worry about the 90% of the trouble he will talk himself out of, but the 10% he can’t scares me to death. We changed his college fund to the bail fund when he was about 3.
When they were little parenting seemed easy. It consisted of saying NO a million times a day, physically moving them away from danger, chasing them down, child proofing the house, and saying NO a million more times.
As they get older and their own personalities are becoming more pronounced my parenting style is being forced to change with each. The eldest is requiring me to spend time snooping. I don’t particularly like snooping, but I am getting pretty good at it. I have become stealthy in my old age. I can sneak and stand outside his door and listen without being detected. I can figure out phone passwords and go through bookbags. For those of you who don’t know and are confused – they can have privacy when they pay their own bills and move out of my house- until then- I snoop!! My darling daughter just seems to require listening and I mean lots and lots of listening. She is by far the most exhausting to me cuz my attention span sometimes wanders and I have to constantly remind myself that somewhere in the million words that are flying out of her mouth might be something I really need to hear. The third parasite or demon child is the easiest for me. He just requires yelling. I don’t start off that way, but notoriously after the 5th time I’ve said it – it goes there. He doesn’t seem to understand or acknowledge anything if it is not told to him in your loudest voice with approximately 3 threats of violence thrown in for good measure. To which he always seems to be amazed. He would argue with a fence post because it’s in his way. He is definitely what they call in the south “Paying for your Raising”. I was prepared to pay for my raising, but I never realized I would have to pay for mine and the hubby’s. Someone should of told me that before I got married- I would of married a saint. I was bad enough- adding in his bad behavior is just not fair.
So if you have to raise and parent them differently maybe having multiple parasites isn’t that much different than only having one. Treating them each as individuals is kinda like having three “only” children. I just wish I could say- Tag you’re it!
Danger Will Robinson- Danger!!
Do all prepubescent boys go through a reptile phase or is mine more odd than most? Just one of the may questions I ask myself of a daily basis. My youngest parasite is obsessed with all kinds of animals. I just seems to be reptiles right now. We currently have 2 dogs, 1 bird, 1 very large lizard, and a bunch of crickets. Well I guess you can’t count the crickets since they are actually food for the lizard, but the darn things still have to be fed so in my book they count. If you require feeding then in my book- you’re a pet. He really wants a snake, but mama had to put her foot down somewhere. Snakes require mice as food and crickets are one thing, but cute little mice is another for me.
Because of his obsession with animals every time I walk into a room with a TV it’s on Animal Planet. Now this is a great channel and very educational if you love seeing lions eating antelopes on a regular basis. I’m all for educational and my kids learning, but sometimes it actually looks more like a slasher film when I enter the room. I feel like singing The Lion King’s theme song “The Circle of Life” every time I walk in now. I love how they made that song so beautiful and inspirational when it’s actually talking about things eating other things. It did get me thinking though.
Are you a predator or a prey?
Humans seem to be one of the few animals which can actually be both. I myself don’t particularly like being prey. I like being and staying on top of the food chain. I have never been scared of bugs. I’ve never squealed at the sight of one. If I’m bigger than it – I win. My daughter has a tendency to squeal which drives me crazy. It’s a bug for Christs sake – just squish it. Now on the same token I don’t enjoy swimming in the ocean above my waste (I still hear the Jaws music playing in my head) and I don’t want to spend my free time roaming about on the Serengeti Plain. There are things that can actually eat me there – so nope not for me!!
Now on the same token there are humans out there that consider other humans prey. These are the scary people. These are the people that we hear about on the news. Now if you listen to the news you would think they are every where, but in reality they are few and far between. Most people are actually very nice people when you let them. We have just as a society decided not to publicize the good, but instead only spotlight and headline the bad. So if you only watch the news you now have the idea that there is a bad guy around every corner and waiting outside of every door when in reality it’s just not true. It’s true they are out there, but probably just not currently hiding in your bushes. If they are hiding in your bushes on a regular basis- then it might be time to pick up and move.
What scares me most about our current society is because of computers and social media we are actually losing the ability to spot the actual predators. I believe that’s really why we see them everywhere now. We sit behind computers and phones all day typing emails, texts, replying to Facebook posts or tweets, and in general never actually speaking to another living human being. Because we are losing the ability to communicate face to face it’s becoming harder to spot the predators. I see this very scary phenomenon being played out in my parasites currently and it scares me more than actually roaming about the Serengeti Plain or the Jaws music.
Is this lack of communication actually turning us all into prey? Have we forgotten there’s more to communication than just words on a page?
Before all of the gadgets and electronics we had to actually communicate. Actual communications requires more than just words. It consists of voice tones, eye contact, and body language that enhance or teach us about the actual words. Yes I know we have emoji’s that help convey emotions, but a winking smiley face just doesn’t convey the same thing as a voice going up and a wink to say “yes- I am a smartass” It helps, but it just can’t replace. There are so many mis-communications and misunderstandings today, because of lack of emotions in the written word.
There’s also an old saying that the eyes are the window to the soul. This saying is very true. How many times in your life have you looked into someone’s eyes and the hair on the back on your neck stood up? I’ve had a few where not only the hair on the back of my neck stood up. but I felt like static electricity had overwhelmed my body and I looked like I was back in the 80’s and used a whole bottle of hairspray to stand my hair on end. My body goes into “Danger Will Robinson- Danger” mode. I’m a believer in trusting that emotion and fleeing. We have a primeval ability to spot predators, but are we losing it? Walk around today and watch how many people don’t actually make eye contact. We walk around like zombie’s staring at our feet or off into space. I try to smile, say hello, thank you, or give a compliment and they just walk off in their zombie state. I pray for those people and that they don’t bump into an actual predator anytime soon because they have officially become prey. I look at them and expect them to start skipping off like an antelope any minute.
So how do we pass on this primeval “Danger Will Robinson- Danger” ability to our next generation when they actually very rarely speak to another living soul, other than texts or through a computer, without raising them to be scared of the whole human race? This is the question? I can’t protect them from everything, but I do my best to teach them these:
1) Teach them to make eye contact- ALWAYS!! Everyone they walk by- look them in the eye. If eyes are the window of the soul then teaching them to make eye contact will allow them to spot the predators, but that most humans are good. Predators also don’t usually like people who make eye contact. It means they are strong enough to fight for survival and that’s not as easy. There’s a reason in nature that the predators always get the weakest in the pack- It takes less energy!
2) Teach them a firm handshake- This seems to be a lost art based on how many I get in today’s world from men and women that make me go – ICK! If you can’t even shake my hand firmly- then you obviously aren’t strong enough to protect yourself. A firm handshake shows the world you are strong. I’m in sales so when I get a weak handshake I almost feel bad about the negotiations to come for them- I said almost!
3) Teach them to always trust their gut, but don’t walk around scared. I’ve always lived by the adage that if it feels icky-it probably is. None of us have ever gotten in a situation that was bad that at some point prior our tummy or back of our neck didn’t feel it coming- we just choose to ignore. Teach them you’ll apologize later if need be, but if they feel it’s icky then they have your permission to act on it. Don’t ever allow them to ignore those- remember that primeval stuff about fight or flight- they are there for a reason.
Now I am not by any means saying you can protect them from everything- cause you can’t- but teaching them a few basic human communication skills will help in today’s world. They seem to be becoming a lost art and if they are going to have to walk around the Serengeti Plain at least be in the front of the pack- it’s safer there.
REDS WORLD TODAY 