#scary

Don’t Get Stuck In The Mud

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Well here I am again sitting and staring at a blank screen trying to decide what to write. My mind is a jumble of random things going round and round in circles at light speeds. This is causing a convoluted string of aimless idea’s with no actual direction or purpose.

Soooo my idea for today’s blog is just to run with them and see where they go.  Sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s scary, but that’s why there is a delete and draft button.

So here goes:

1) While trying to get a parasite out of the bed this morning I used the age old method of jumping up and down on their bed and singing at the top of my lungs (everyone sing along) “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine” to which the loving little darling yelled “MOM – You are the most annoying mom EVER!” to which I smirked and replied “Yep and it takes a special skill set!”  If they can say “mom” on average of 1 million times a day- jumping on their bed in the morning is definitely fair play.

2) I really want a Southern woman emoji- (for us old people emoji’s are the little smiley faces we use on the internet) There just isn’t a good one for me out there.  I see them that do a little bit of everything, but can someone tell me why there isn’t one with horns holding up a crooked halo?  Let’s face it – who other than a Southern woman can party with you on Saturday night and still get up and go to church on Sunday morning to make mommy happy.  It’s a skill set and we deserve a least a stupid emoji to symbolize our accomplishments.

3) Who decided it was a brilliant idea to put roundabouts in the South.  Come on now- we can barely do four way stops correctly and now you want us to learn roundabout etiquette? Is there even roundabout etiquette? If there is – how does it work?  If you look at the large roundabouts in the world such as Washington DC and London it doesn’t look like there is an etiquette.  It looks like everyone got drunk and decided to drive in circles.  HMMM- maybe we will be o.k with roundabouts.  We know how to drink and drive big ole trucks with big ole tires around in circles. I have the solution- just fill all the roundabouts with mud and we southerns will be just fine!

4) I tried to do a little math this morning and realized math can be scary. I hadn’t cleaned out my personal email box in a few days and decided it was getting out of hand and it was just that time.  Just like most people I get a lot of junk email.  If I ever need Viagra, fill the need to give my money away to scam artist is Africa, or look for a job in New York -I am ALL set.  Sometime I wonder how they even get my email.  It does’t really matter after you get burned once by a hacker you learn quick.  If I’m not expecting it and you want me to open an attachment on an email EVER – I would suggest you either call me or email me without one first.  So I tried to add up the amount of time I spent cleaning out my junk email a week and got some decent number and then multiplied it by 52 for a year and got a little bothered.  If I took that number and multiplied it by the amount of years I might be expected to live and it became a scary number.  I am going to spend an inordinate amount of time doing something very meaningless and then I realized I had spent 10 minutes doing a stupid math problem.  Darn it- I want that time back!!

Where there is your daily glimpse into the scary world of navigating my brain. It’s random and a little odd, but who wants to be normal? We are all made up of assorted differing thoughts running around in circles through our brains. Sometimes they work together and sometimes they just get in the way.  Imagine how boring the world would be though if we all thought in straight lines. Straight lines do not bend or deviate from a path. Straight lines have no imperfections.  Us humans have flaws and inadequacies that force us to giggle at the roundabouts of life. The trick is to not get stuck in mud.

Red Earth of Tara

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I’m having one of those days that I can write about a hundred 1 liner funny Facebook posts, but when I start to flesh them out I run into a problem.  They either get too serious, could be taken as offensive, or my good little southern mama might disown me.  Most of the really funny one’s fall under the last category.  In you’re from the South, and your mama is still living, then every woman (even if you’re over 40 and a mama yourself) knows that when your mama ain’t happy then ain’t nooo body happy.  Trust me- I still strive to make my mama happy. My mama’s dispensing guilt gene is unparalleled. She can dispense guilt with just a glance -she doesn’t even require speaking. I think there’s a super power in there somewhere and I just pray mine develops. 

What’s funny about my mama is her super power can cross generations. My parasites are much more scared of disappointing “NA NA” they they have ever been of me. They play a good game of pretending to be scared of me, but the reality in this family is that NA NA holds all the cards!  I spend most of my time just trying to keep them fed, bathed, in clean cloths, continuing good grades, driving to practices, trying to keep them out of prison, and avoiding letting them kill themselves with stupid behavior (Just the later is a full time job as they get older).  NA NA on the other hand actually has the patience and time to teach them respect for themselves and others. I used to feel a little jealous, but then I realized there is something comforting when my daughter comes out and says “Oh no- I can’t wear that- NA NA would have a heart attack right then and there”  or the boys inform me “I need a suit coat and a tie for that wedding or funeral or NA NA will disown me”  It sure does make my life easier!

As I look back over my life now I am starting to understand many things in my upbringing and why my children fear and respect NA NA so much.

Now part of being really (and I mean REALLY) Southern is growing up in extremely large extended families.  Now in the south related can mean anywhere from 1st cousin to 27th cousin or 1st cousin 26th removed for those from other parts.  We grow up playing with, spending time at family reunions and church with these people regularly. These are all considered family and if your mama is from the south she can tell ya every generation.  Hell- I’ve got some my mama can tell me how I’m related to them twice on two different sides in generations that are 7 apart.  A southern mama’s memory is long and very very scary! That’s why southern women spend so much time at the funeral home and making dinners- they are related to everyone.  

Because of this closeness to family, most of us don’t move real far. When I grew up I lived next to my grandparents and the very next house up was my great grand parents.  Now most think that’s CRAZY, but in the south it’s completely normal and sometimes even expected.  Believe it or not- almost all of my friends lived in very similar situations.  If it wasn’t next door it was no more than 1/2 a mile away from their grandparents.  My great grandparents got me off the bus. I spent every afternoon with them hearing stories and learning all sorts of things.  I can tell you county and family history now with the best of them.  I can wash cloths in a wash tub, prepare a chicken from alive to the table, grow vegetables, cook fried okra, and mend a shirt.  I refuse to do any of these things, but by-god I’m southern and I can!  We’ve been doing that “It takes a village” thing for generations and we take it seriously!  

There’s an old saying that you should give your children roots so they know where they come from and wings so they are confident enough to fly away from the nest. Our mothers give us both, but due to the guilt super power our mothers possess and being surrounded by family our roots stretch- oh 27 generations deep. Our wings are large and they usually let us fly away for a little while or roughly until our own little birds start to fill up our own nest and then amazingly we start looking at houses that are back close to mama.  Our wings are strong, but getting roots like that out of the ground just requires more strength than Hercules much less our poor little wings. The roots seem to get longer once we have our own smaller birds in tow. Some do pull it off, but don’t be fooled- those children of southern mama’s still call almost every day.

I am completely southern so as usual when the first parasite began to show in my belly the immediate draw home began.  I had spent 30 years trying to get away, but there I was 8 months pregnant and waddling moving in next door. The draw home was powerful. I felt like Odysseus listened to the Sirens song. I had no idea what this sudden urge for my mama and my family land was all about or even who I was anymore.  I felt like Scarlet saying “I know- I’ll go home to the red earth of Tara”  Who was I? What strong woman does this anymore? Why do I not want to be on my own? Do I think I am not capable? Am I weak?  

As I pondered these questions I looked around and thought about all the things I learned in my grandmothers and great grand mothers house’s and smiled.  I had learned respect for my elders, respect for myself, respect for other people, love of family, to relax and see the comedy and beauty of life, and that roots are good and powerful. The largest and strongest tree’s have the deepest roots. I wasn’t weak I came from something stronger than myself. I came from a huge strong tree and I was about to help it form new branches and those branches spirits needed to be fed in order for them to develop and be strong.  I couldn’t nor did I want to do it alone. The parasites needed a NA NA.

There’s an old saying in the south when you are doing something your ancestors wouldn’t approve of  “your granny (or grandfather) is rolling over in their graves”  I have done a lot in my life to make my granny roll over in her grave, but bringing the parasites home to raise I’m pretty sure made her smirk and dance a little jig. I just hope the Red Earth of Tara and Na Na can help me keep them from making my granny do somersaults. 🙂