So I missed a day writing yesterday because I was under the weather. Not that I have ever understood the term under the weather. Why can’t we just say sick? Under the weather sounds like I was playing in the rain. What in the world does weather have to do with my throat hurting and running a fever. Speaking of strange terms- exactly where is my fever running? Did it sign up for a marathon and not tell me? If it did- I’m not going without a scary clown with a knife chasing me
Oh sorry- I wandered off- back to point! So I was sick yesterday (not under the weather- what ever that means) and took a day off of writing. Actually I took the day off of everything. It’s hard to accomplish much while your fever is running a marathon. Oops- wandering again.
It’s amazing the things you actually notice when you are not capable of human interaction and are stuck with daytime TV and the internet. I actually can just lay in my bed now with a smartphone and know everything that is going on in the world with a swipe of my finger. Here’s a few things I learned while I was under the weather:
1) Someone is notoriously complaining abut the weather. Now granted – it is Spring in the South which is a little schizophrenic. In the last thirty six hours we have successfully gone from 70 degree’s to 20. I actually saw snow/sun today. I’ve always heard of the “Devil Beating his Wife’ when it’s raining and the sun is shining so I guess we’ll just call that the Devil Beating Jack Frost. Hey- don’t freak out- I left out the word off.
2) There are A Lot of religious people. I am a believer that everyone should be religious and rejoice in their beliefs. We live in a land of religious freedom and you should always be able to worship freely and share those beliefs. But come on now- who are some of you fooling? If there were as many religious people as I see on Facebook, TV, and the internet there wouldn’t be an empty pew in the nation. FYI – I’m not talking to anyone in particular, but if you got offended – it wasn’t really at me.
3) People on both sides take their politics waaaaay too seriously. There is nothing like seeing the posts on occasions where people have been unfriended or have unfriended someone because of a difference in political views on Facebook. Now granted I do believe we all take things too seriously and no one seems to know the art of debating anymore without turning into a two year old and insulting each other. Most debates now sound more like “You’re a poo poo head!!” “No- You’re a poo poo head!” Those debates always go well and usually end up with a “MOM” being yelled which is hard when the participants are in their 40’s. What tickles me about these debates is they are not hard to avoid in the first place. If you watch closely you should always know their political beliefs based on their posts anyway. If they post them daily exactly what is going through your mind that makes you think your arguments are gonna change them anyway? Trust me- you’re not that good!! Why do they have to believe what you do anyway? Let them rant- if it bugs you that much when they post pictures of their kids- quietly make fun of them and be glad yours are better looking.
4) There seems to be very few independent thoughts anymore. I remember when Facebook started most posts were of the people on Facebook’s life. You could keep up with friends who you no longer saw. You heard what was going on in their lives, saw their families, and saw how well or badly they’ve aged. Oh come on now, admit it- there are a least a few you’ve looked at and said “Phew- at least I aged better than that” Now if you have a Facebook go back to your page when you are done and look I bet approximately 3/4 of everything on the page is a share of something else. You don’t really need to talk to anyone anymore just look at the things they’ve shared. They will tell you everything you need to know about their religion, their politics, their social awareness, what their family does, and their sense of humor. I’m guilty too because some things are just too funny to me not to share, but we miss hearing about your lives. I like seeing your kids and families (even the ugly ones) I think reality is always comic and I miss the reality so if you would post us something from just you soon. Unless you wanna share this and then by all means go right ahead 🙂
5) There are a lot of people cooking very good food and none are sharing with me. As I laid in my bed I saw and heard about lunches and dinners. As I lay there eating tomato soup and banana Popsicle’s (Yes I know I’m weird, but that’s another story) I saw all this wonderful food. I saw sushi, hamburgers wrapped in bacon, waffles, cookie cakes, muffins, salads, and casseroles. I heard about pot roast, chicken alfredo, and steak and potatoes. All of this made me hungry so I turned on the TV – lo and behold- more food! When did 1/2 the shows on TV start to be cooking shows? I’m shocked we are a society moving toward obese- all we do is talk about food. It’s not that hard to cook like a professional if you just watch cooking shows all day. I’ve always said I could be too, but until I get a sous chef they are getting hamburger helper. All that chopping is exhausting. You would think at least one of the parasites would of stepped up by now, but no such luck. I can’t tell some days of they are lazy are just like my crappy food. Either way- they aren’t starving nor or they obese so I’m going with cooking crappy food is good for them. If you’re not going to share your food with me- It’s my justification and I’m sticking to it!
I’m finally starting to feel better again so maybe tomorrow I’ll get back out in the real world and see what I can learn amusing while I’m above the weather.
I’m having one of those days that I can write about a hundred 1 liner funny Facebook posts, but when I start to flesh them out I run into a problem. They either get too serious, could be taken as offensive, or my good little southern mama might disown me. Most of the really funny one’s fall under the last category. In you’re from the South, and your mama is still living, then every woman (even if you’re over 40 and a mama yourself) knows that when your mama ain’t happy then ain’t nooo body happy. Trust me- I still strive to make my mama happy. My mama’s dispensing guilt gene is unparalleled. She can dispense guilt with just a glance -she doesn’t even require speaking. I think there’s a super power in there somewhere and I just pray mine develops.
What’s funny about my mama is her super power can cross generations. My parasites are much more scared of disappointing “NA NA” they they have ever been of me. They play a good game of pretending to be scared of me, but the reality in this family is that NA NA holds all the cards! I spend most of my time just trying to keep them fed, bathed, in clean cloths, continuing good grades, driving to practices, trying to keep them out of prison, and avoiding letting them kill themselves with stupid behavior (Just the later is a full time job as they get older). NA NA on the other hand actually has the patience and time to teach them respect for themselves and others. I used to feel a little jealous, but then I realized there is something comforting when my daughter comes out and says “Oh no- I can’t wear that- NA NA would have a heart attack right then and there” or the boys inform me “I need a suit coat and a tie for that wedding or funeral or NA NA will disown me” It sure does make my life easier!
As I look back over my life now I am starting to understand many things in my upbringing and why my children fear and respect NA NA so much.
Now part of being really (and I mean REALLY) Southern is growing up in extremely large extended families. Now in the south related can mean anywhere from 1st cousin to 27th cousin or 1st cousin 26th removed for those from other parts. We grow up playing with, spending time at family reunions and church with these people regularly. These are all considered family and if your mama is from the south she can tell ya every generation. Hell- I’ve got some my mama can tell me how I’m related to them twice on two different sides in generations that are 7 apart. A southern mama’s memory is long and very very scary! That’s why southern women spend so much time at the funeral home and making dinners- they are related to everyone.
Because of this closeness to family, most of us don’t move real far. When I grew up I lived next to my grandparents and the very next house up was my great grand parents. Now most think that’s CRAZY, but in the south it’s completely normal and sometimes even expected. Believe it or not- almost all of my friends lived in very similar situations. If it wasn’t next door it was no more than 1/2 a mile away from their grandparents. My great grandparents got me off the bus. I spent every afternoon with them hearing stories and learning all sorts of things. I can tell you county and family history now with the best of them. I can wash cloths in a wash tub, prepare a chicken from alive to the table, grow vegetables, cook fried okra, and mend a shirt. I refuse to do any of these things, but by-god I’m southern and I can! We’ve been doing that “It takes a village” thing for generations and we take it seriously!
There’s an old saying that you should give your children roots so they know where they come from and wings so they are confident enough to fly away from the nest. Our mothers give us both, but due to the guilt super power our mothers possess and being surrounded by family our roots stretch- oh 27 generations deep. Our wings are large and they usually let us fly away for a little while or roughly until our own little birds start to fill up our own nest and then amazingly we start looking at houses that are back close to mama. Our wings are strong, but getting roots like that out of the ground just requires more strength than Hercules much less our poor little wings. The roots seem to get longer once we have our own smaller birds in tow. Some do pull it off, but don’t be fooled- those children of southern mama’s still call almost every day.
I am completely southern so as usual when the first parasite began to show in my belly the immediate draw home began. I had spent 30 years trying to get away, but there I was 8 months pregnant and waddling moving in next door. The draw home was powerful. I felt like Odysseus listened to the Sirens song. I had no idea what this sudden urge for my mama and my family land was all about or even who I was anymore. I felt like Scarlet saying “I know- I’ll go home to the red earth of Tara” Who was I? What strong woman does this anymore? Why do I not want to be on my own? Do I think I am not capable? Am I weak?
As I pondered these questions I looked around and thought about all the things I learned in my grandmothers and great grand mothers house’s and smiled. I had learned respect for my elders, respect for myself, respect for other people, love of family, to relax and see the comedy and beauty of life, and that roots are good and powerful. The largest and strongest tree’s have the deepest roots. I wasn’t weak I came from something stronger than myself. I came from a huge strong tree and I was about to help it form new branches and those branches spirits needed to be fed in order for them to develop and be strong. I couldn’t nor did I want to do it alone. The parasites needed a NA NA.
There’s an old saying in the south when you are doing something your ancestors wouldn’t approve of “your granny (or grandfather) is rolling over in their graves” I have done a lot in my life to make my granny roll over in her grave, but bringing the parasites home to raise I’m pretty sure made her smirk and dance a little jig. I just hope the Red Earth of Tara and Na Na can help me keep them from making my granny do somersaults. 🙂
Well I’m starting this new adventure of blogging!! If you would of asked me 2 years ago what blogging was I probably would of laughed and made a sexual innuendo joke (You’ll learn I do that A LOT) I’m convinced turning the mundane into a sexual innuendo is a skill. I don’t have many skills, but God gave me that one in abundance!! 🙂 I haven’t found one I couldn’t do yet!!
I believe my family is a little concerned by the looks of actual terror on their faces! The hubby just shakes his head (you’ll learn he does that A LOT) Needless to say my kids are not too thrilled with this “mom blogging idea”. Their exact words went something like “seriously mom everyone knows every dumb thing we say and do because of Facebook now- the last thing you need is more space to write!!” My reply was “well Facebook doesn’t have enough room for all the dumb things you do- sooo here we go!!”
Look – I’m about to have three teenagers and go through menopause. At this point, I’m looking for any way possible to keep them alive for at least the next 7 years and the I think this may be therapeutic. Hey and if it’s not therapeutic at least it’s somewhere new to embarrass the kids (it’s the only joy of motherhood I’ve found) 🙂