#mom

MMN (Manipulative Mom’s News)

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breaking news

Life Lessons I’ve Learned in Quarantine………………….

  • My House is a mess and probably always will be and it is obviously NOT because I don’t have time- it’s a choice I made to live by the Moto “Dull women have immaculate houses and honey I’m any thing but dull”
    • shhh- I’ve learned the right time to remind the hubby of his love for my exceptionalism might not be while he’s vacuuming.. oops
  • Changing PJ’s once a day saves a ton of time on laundry- BONUS!
  • My parasites (children for those nicer than me) are ridiculously spoiled and have absolutely NO ability to see anything out of place unless specifically pointed out. (of course see #1 this could be my fault)
  • My backyard gardening game is starting to be on par with my Grandmothers (God Bless their souls)
  • My life long aversion to animal print was all explained in 6 hours watching Netflix and I would never of guessed that I would ever want to answer my phone with “Hey all you cool cats and kittens” just for fun, but here we are……
  • I admire many many people on Social Media for having much more faith in their fellow human beings than I do..
    • New World Order my ass- we can’t even agree on the one we have…… ūüôā Conspiracy theories don’t scare me -they make me laugh.¬† ¬†The only thing I believe with certainty after 51 years is….if more than 3 people know a secret it’s no longer a secret unless 2 of those are dead.¬† Just the fact that most conspiracy theories would have to consist of many many people to pull off takes them out the realm of reality for me.¬† NO way that many people could agree much less stay quite without running their mouths, but I do appreciate others ability to have that kind of faith in your fellow man.
  • I haven’t read enough comic books or watched near enough movies to actually believe in Super Villains.
    • Are there bad guys in the world- absolutely! Are there evil people in the world – absolutely! Serial Killers with zero empathy come immediately to mind.¬† But there is NO SUCH thing in the real world as a James Bond Super Villain.¬† No one lives in a hollowed out Volcano with an army of minions. Super Villains are made up creations by a FICTION writer to entertain you.¬† Again- would take toooooo many other people and see previous non faith in my fellow man

I don’t scare easily, but I watched a very scary documentary the other night called “After Truth”.¬† ¬†It is basically the premise of the ease of developing 100% fake information and how quickly it can be populated through social media and even scarier show up on actual news channels on occasion .¬† The scary part was the average Americans on BOTH sides of the divide giggling and admitting how easy it is to manipulate us- the more sensationally crazy with or without a kernel of truth the better .¬† This was Americans and doesn’t even include the foreign governments that we proven are in the game to divide us and cause mistrust.

It got me thinking (yes I know kinda scary) If it’s this easy to manipulate us and there doesn’t have to even be a kernel of truth then I’ve gotten off my game.¬† I’m gonna start a new blog that looks like an actual valid news site, but with important headlines sent to my hubby and parasites such as…..

“Statistics show Husbands and Children which don’t pick up their laundry and put it in the hamper will develop hearing loss”

“Dishes left in the sick cause pimples”

“Research proves dirty socks put in hamper as balls will shrink testicles”¬†

“Husbands with more than 3 items on their honey do lists will be nagged” – oh never mind that one has some truth ūüôā

So watch out for MMN the CRAZY new news outlet coming soon to a Social Media Site near you- please feel free to share.¬† If we’re gonna be this easily manipulated shouldn’t it at least be the same way it’s been for thousands of years – Manipulative Mom’s News……………………………

Notes To Self

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This morning¬†started off as usual. The alarm went off at 5:30. I grudgingly got out of bed and made my way through the house in the dark saying only a few choice words as I bumped into random things that hurt. ¬†I stumbled down the stairs and accomplished not breaking a bone. I attempt to get the oldest parasite out of the bed and into the shower. ¬†Now that he is a teenager this feat takes more energy than most things I do all day. There is crying, yelling, arguing, throwing blankets and pillows, and jumping around like a monkey- and those are just me. These are all just while he lays there saying the age old “Please-just 5 more minutes Mom” Now at this point I have two choices- I can stumble back through my dark house and hurt myself or just crawl in the bed with him. ¬†Guess which one I pick at 5:30? Well it certainly isn’t the injure myself option. ¬†Something amazing happened suddenly- my mission was accomplished- parasite got up! ¬†I smirk and say to myself “Note to Self”

I’m finding as I go through my life now as a wife, mother, daughter, friend, employee, and in general jack of all duties¬†I am smirking and saying “Note to self” much more often. ¬†“Note to Self” is a powerful thing. ¬†It means you’re learning. I never really thought I would still be learning quite this much¬†in my late 40’s, but I¬†think I am actually learning much more.

You learn lots of “Notes to Self” in your teens and twenties. ¬†These are painful lessons:

1) Lying to your mother when she asks you a question is probably a mute point because she’s asking because she already knows

2) When you stick your head above a crowd they throw rocks at it- the hard part is those darn things can really be the size of boulders

3) Everyone you love isn’t going to love you back (unless they are family and then you’re just stuck with them)

4) Too much alcohol and no food is a dangerous combo and you’ll still probably do it again¬†anyway

5) Smarting off to a policeman is never a good idea unless orange jumpsuits is your favorite outfit (I personally never learned this, but I live vicariously some days through the hubby) 

Now as I age the “Notes to Self” are not as life changing and are much simpler, but¬†happen much more frequently. They are also usually much more amusing to me.

These are just a few I had today:

1) Teenage boys don’t like mommy to crawl in bed with them and will jump up with no arguing.

2) Teenage girls say approximately one million words a second and as long as you listen to at least every ten you will still get the jist of the conversation and as long as you make eye contact and say yes every 100 words you are a GREAT mom.

3) When the toothpaste tube is cut in two on the bathroom counter so a parasite could brush their teeth it might be time to go the drug store and buy toothpaste

4) 11 year old boys should not be allowed to put on cologne unless you want them to smell like a cheap hooker.

5) When there are four prepubescent boys and yelling starts coming from downstairs – there is probably a fight going on and you should probably get up and go down. ¬†If you don’t- they all run upstairs and start yelling at you at once.¬†

6) Changing my fonts and background on here was difficult for me and I just wanna write funny stuff and not conquer¬†the internet. I can’t conquer my children so the internet is definitely beyond my capabilities. ¬†Hey – it’s also important to know your limitations.

In my twenties most of the lessons were painful and can only be amusing now that time has passed. ¬†In my 40’s the lessons are getting simple and funny. ¬†I can’t imagine the “Notes to Self” I will have in my 50’s and 60’s, but man am I looking forward to them. ¬†We talk a lot about wisdom as we age, but maybe¬†wisdom is¬†just a string of what I call “Notes to Self”¬†

 

 

 

 

 

I’m Above the Weather

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So I missed a day writing yesterday because I was under the weather. ¬†Not that I have ever understood the term under the weather. Why can’t we just say sick? ¬†Under the weather sounds like I was playing in the rain. ¬†What in the world does weather have to do with my throat hurting and running a fever. ¬†Speaking of strange terms- exactly where is my fever running? ¬†Did it sign up for a marathon and not tell me? ¬†If it did- I’m not going without a scary clown with a knife chasing me

Oh sorry- I wandered off- back to point! ¬†So I was sick yesterday (not under the weather- what ever that means) and took a day off of writing. Actually I took the day off of everything. It’s hard to accomplish much while your fever is running a marathon. ¬†Oops- wandering again.¬†

It’s amazing the things you actually notice when you are not capable of human interaction and are stuck with daytime TV and the internet. I actually can just lay in my bed now with a smartphone and know everything that is going on in the world with a swipe of my finger. ¬†Here’s a few things I learned¬†while I was under the weather:

1) Someone is notoriously complaining abut the weather. ¬†Now granted – it is Spring in the South which is a little schizophrenic. ¬†In the last thirty six hours we have successfully gone from 70 degree’s to 20. I actually saw snow/sun today. ¬†I’ve always heard of the “Devil Beating his Wife’ when it’s raining and the sun is shining so I guess we’ll just call that the Devil Beating Jack Frost. ¬†Hey- don’t freak out- I left out the word off.

2)¬†There are A Lot of religious people. ¬†I am a believer that everyone should be religious and rejoice in their beliefs. ¬†We live in a land of religious freedom and you should always be able to worship freely and share those beliefs. But come on now- who are some of you fooling? If there were as many religious people as I see on Facebook, TV, and the internet there wouldn’t be an empty pew in the nation. FYI – I’m not talking to anyone in particular, but if you got offended – it wasn’t really at me.

3) People on both sides take their politics waaaaay too seriously. ¬†There is nothing like seeing the posts on occasions where people have been unfriended or have unfriended someone because of a difference in political views on Facebook. Now granted I do believe we all take things too seriously and no one seems to know the art of debating anymore without turning into a two year old and insulting each other. Most debates now sound more like “You’re a poo poo head!!” “No- You’re a poo poo head!” ¬†Those debates always go well and usually end up with a “MOM” being yelled which is hard when the participants are in their 40’s. ¬†What tickles me about these debates is they are not hard to avoid in the first place. ¬†If you watch closely you should always know their political beliefs based on their posts anyway. ¬†If they post them daily exactly what is going¬†through your mind that makes you think your arguments are gonna change them anyway? Trust me- you’re not that good!! ¬†Why do they have to believe what you do anyway? Let them rant- if it bugs you that much when they post pictures of their kids- quietly make fun of them and be glad yours are better looking.¬†

4) There seems to be very few independent thoughts anymore. ¬†I remember when Facebook started most posts were of the people on Facebook’s life. ¬†You could keep up with friends who you no longer saw. ¬†You heard what was going on in their lives, saw their families, and saw how well or badly they’ve aged. ¬†Oh come on now, admit it- there are a least a few you’ve looked at and said “Phew- at least I aged better than that” ¬†Now if you have a Facebook go back to your page when you are done and look I bet approximately 3/4 of everything on the page is a share of something else. ¬†You don’t really need to talk to anyone anymore just look at the things they’ve shared. ¬†They will tell you everything you need to know about their religion, their politics, their social awareness, what their family does, and their sense of humor. ¬†I’m guilty too because some things are just too funny to me not to share, but we miss hearing about your lives. I like seeing your kids and families (even the ugly ones) ¬†I think reality is always comic and I miss the reality so if you would post us something¬†from just you soon. Unless you wanna share this and then by all means go right ahead ūüôā

5) There are a lot of people cooking very good food and none are sharing with me. As I laid in my bed I saw and heard about lunches and dinners. As I lay there eating tomato soup and banana Popsicle’s (Yes I know I’m weird, but that’s another story) I saw all this wonderful food. I saw¬†sushi, hamburgers wrapped in bacon, waffles, cookie cakes, muffins, salads, and casseroles. I heard about pot roast, chicken alfredo, and steak and potatoes. All of this made me hungry so I turned on the TV – lo and behold- more food! When did 1/2 the shows on TV start to be cooking shows? I’m shocked we are a society moving toward obese- all we do is talk about food. ¬†It’s not that hard to cook like a professional if you just watch cooking shows all day. ¬†I’ve always said I could be too, but until I get a sous chef they are getting hamburger helper. ¬†All that chopping is exhausting. You would think at least one of the parasites would of stepped up by now, but no such luck. ¬†I can’t tell some days of they are lazy are just like my crappy food. Either way- they aren’t starving nor or they obese so I’m going with cooking crappy food is good for them. If you’re not going to share your food with me-¬†It’s my justification and I’m sticking to it!

I’m finally starting to feel better¬†again so maybe tomorrow I’ll get back out in the real world and see what I can¬†learn amusing while I’m above the weather.

 

 

 

 

 

 

There’s no crying in football!!

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There is a very important thing I have yet to warn you about. When it comes to this personality issue, I definitely should have a big giant red warning label. ¬†¬†I am a sports nut- more importantly a football NUT. ¬†Most women (except most of my friends) ¬†love shopping, jewelry, dinner dates, romantic comedies and shoes.¬† I LOVE FOOTBALL!! ¬†Not only do I love football- I am that even more annoying woman who actually understands football. ¬†I don’t speak fluent or even understand shopping, but football I’m all good. ¬†I love all types of football from youth, high school, college and NFL. ¬† Well- except for flag- that’s not football that’s just track with a ball. ¬†If you can put a helmet and pads on em- I’m all in!! ¬†

Football has taken a really bad rap in the media lately. ¬†The media is jumping on the anti-football bandwagon with coaches that actually tell children the non-sugar coated truth, concussions overload, and dying on the fields. If you just watched the news – all football players are going to drop dead or get dementia at any moment. ¬†If they don’t die they will have low self esteem because someone raised their voice at them. ¬†I understand the need to protect our children, but how far are we gonna go in our bubble wrap em world? ¬†Now before all of you over-protective, love gushing, my child can do no wrong, I’ll protect them from everything parents out there go on a tirade- let me explain something. ¬†I am a football mom and I have been for 10 years now. ¬†Trust me- I have sat through and attended more practices and games than most people ever will in their lives. ¬†I have had boob sweat and frozen eyelashes in one season- all for the love of my boys and the game. ¬†Guess what- my two parasites that play can still speak without a slur and neither has dropped dead yet. They are still alive even with their big ole ego’s that make me want to kill them myself some days.

My children were only given two rules before they started out on their football journey

1) There is NO crying in football

2) You will play where the coach needs you and play it to the best of your ability- period

 

My favorite of all time is bobble head football. ¬†I would have another child, if I could guarantee it was a boy and could give it away at 7 or 8, just to see bobble head football again. ¬†If you have ever experienced 5 and 6 year old football you understand. ¬†Their helmets are as big as they are and after every play it’s just a big ole pile of helmets and shoulder pads. ¬†This pile, or even just one who fell down, requires many grown men to run around the field picking children up. ¬†They are not picking them up because they got hurt- they can’t get up because their heads now weigh more than their little bodies. ¬†There are very few injuries in bobble head football- they do not hit hard enough. ¬†Most crying in bobble head football comes from- it’s hot, it’s cold, I fell down- not hitting. ¬†They are like herding cats. ¬†My youngest spent most of his kindergarten year leaned over with his head on the grass spinning on his helmet- cuz he thought it was fun. ¬†

As they grow the lessons and hitting gets proportionality harder- just like in life. The coaches get meaner and louder- just like in life. The effort they put in is directly proportionate to what they get out- just like in life. Everyone is not the superstar, but everyone has their part to play- just like in life.

So… ¬† Hey media- go harass Soccer, Lacrosse, Baseball, Gymnastics and Cheerleading, for their injuries a while. ¬†Those of us football fans will be just fine because we’ll still live by the best coaches line ever- ¬†There’s no crying in football!!!¬†