#mother

Notes To Self

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This morning started off as usual. The alarm went off at 5:30. I grudgingly got out of bed and made my way through the house in the dark saying only a few choice words as I bumped into random things that hurt.  I stumbled down the stairs and accomplished not breaking a bone. I attempt to get the oldest parasite out of the bed and into the shower.  Now that he is a teenager this feat takes more energy than most things I do all day. There is crying, yelling, arguing, throwing blankets and pillows, and jumping around like a monkey- and those are just me. These are all just while he lays there saying the age old “Please-just 5 more minutes Mom” Now at this point I have two choices- I can stumble back through my dark house and hurt myself or just crawl in the bed with him.  Guess which one I pick at 5:30? Well it certainly isn’t the injure myself option.  Something amazing happened suddenly- my mission was accomplished- parasite got up!  I smirk and say to myself “Note to Self”

I’m finding as I go through my life now as a wife, mother, daughter, friend, employee, and in general jack of all duties I am smirking and saying “Note to self” much more often.  “Note to Self” is a powerful thing.  It means you’re learning. I never really thought I would still be learning quite this much in my late 40’s, but I think I am actually learning much more.

You learn lots of “Notes to Self” in your teens and twenties.  These are painful lessons:

1) Lying to your mother when she asks you a question is probably a mute point because she’s asking because she already knows

2) When you stick your head above a crowd they throw rocks at it- the hard part is those darn things can really be the size of boulders

3) Everyone you love isn’t going to love you back (unless they are family and then you’re just stuck with them)

4) Too much alcohol and no food is a dangerous combo and you’ll still probably do it again anyway

5) Smarting off to a policeman is never a good idea unless orange jumpsuits is your favorite outfit (I personally never learned this, but I live vicariously some days through the hubby) 

Now as I age the “Notes to Self” are not as life changing and are much simpler, but happen much more frequently. They are also usually much more amusing to me.

These are just a few I had today:

1) Teenage boys don’t like mommy to crawl in bed with them and will jump up with no arguing.

2) Teenage girls say approximately one million words a second and as long as you listen to at least every ten you will still get the jist of the conversation and as long as you make eye contact and say yes every 100 words you are a GREAT mom.

3) When the toothpaste tube is cut in two on the bathroom counter so a parasite could brush their teeth it might be time to go the drug store and buy toothpaste

4) 11 year old boys should not be allowed to put on cologne unless you want them to smell like a cheap hooker.

5) When there are four prepubescent boys and yelling starts coming from downstairs – there is probably a fight going on and you should probably get up and go down.  If you don’t- they all run upstairs and start yelling at you at once. 

6) Changing my fonts and background on here was difficult for me and I just wanna write funny stuff and not conquer the internet. I can’t conquer my children so the internet is definitely beyond my capabilities.  Hey – it’s also important to know your limitations.

In my twenties most of the lessons were painful and can only be amusing now that time has passed.  In my 40’s the lessons are getting simple and funny.  I can’t imagine the “Notes to Self” I will have in my 50’s and 60’s, but man am I looking forward to them.  We talk a lot about wisdom as we age, but maybe wisdom is just a string of what I call “Notes to Self” 

 

 

 

 

 

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I’m a Grilled Mama Sandwich!!

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I have never liked being sick.  I would rather be lazy.  It takes some skill to avoid doing work, but being sick there is no options or skill. You lay in bed for sometimes days with nothing to do that’s even remotely fun.  Your muscles feels like you have done P90X for three days straight, but your body gets none of the benefits.  If I’m gonna be that sore- damn it- I want some pay-off!!

I have always needed (no required) 3 things when I am sick.  I neeeed tomato soup and grilled cheese, banana popsicles, and most importantly- my Mama.   I am aware that some of my requests during sickness are a little odd.  Tomato soup is my just my favorite. You people can keep your weak chicken and noodle, bring me something that sticks to my ribs.  Banana popsicles are probably the most interesting.  When I was a child my grandfather loved to spoil me and I was a little gullible.  The man convinced me that banana popsicles can cure anything and it seemed to work-  so if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.  The by far most important ingredient to my cure all is my Mama.

I know some people call them Mother out of respect and that is fine.  To us in the South we don’t have Mothers – we have Mama’s! Until I was grown, my Mama spent countless days and nights with me getting medicine, getting me cool wash rags for my forehead, making me food, and holding my hair back while I threw up.  The culmination of all of this was to snuggle me up next to her in her bed for the night.  For a child who hurts or feels like their body is revolting against them- this bed seemed to always make it feel better. Mama’s have that super power when they choose to use and unleash it’s ability.  Now above I said til I was grown-  SHHHHH- I still make my Mama lay down with me at 46 when she comes in to bring me my tomato soup and banana popsicles. A Mama’s job is never done!!

Now that I have my own parasites and I’m the Mama it’s amazing how things never change.  The only things that changed is now I really understand what my sweet, innocent, loving, caring mama was “really” thinking during all of those long nights.  No- mama’s never say it – we only think these things.  We keep going and are sweet because it’s not their fault they’re sick and we are the Mama. These never slip out – but don’t even try to say you’ve never had one of them slip accidentally through your brain

1) Really?- of course your sick- I have an early morning meeting

2) 2 am- Where the heck is that stupid measuring cup?  oh here’s a spoon and it’ll work -it’s close. Will they ever be able to take pills?

3) Oh God please let them make it to the toilet

4) Oh God- you must hate me tonight cuz now I’ve got to clean that up and I’ll puck too

5) “Yes- I’ll get the flashlight”  Brain- because the 101 fever isn’t telling me your throat looks bad anyway

6) How the HELL is he sleeping through this?

Now I still pull my sick babies in my bed and cuddle them to unleash the super power.  Ladies we have so few- we need to throw them around whenever possible.  Our Super Powers have a direct correlation with- if the parasites take care of us when we’re old.  I’m looking forward to getting kicked out of the old folks home for lewd behavior just to hear their argument on who has got to keep me 🙂

When they were little cuddling them up in my bed was wonderful. We had a king sized bed and they took up just a little room.  I would tuck them in, cuddle them up, and we would all sleep. (Well at least try between the sick whining).  Recently something has changed I wasn’t expecting- my children aren’t so little anymore. They are or are close to full size adults.  The small portion they used to take now is a full twin size.  This wouldn’t be so bad except I now have to sleep in the middle.  I call these nights – “The Mama Sandwich”  I now spend these nights slammed between my cuddling husband and a sick child.  This equals long nights of sweating because of my own child personal radiator, rearranging of towels for maximum protection, and sleeping in “the wet spot” from the cool washrag that fell off his head and landed under my shoulder.   My favorite part of the whole Mama Sandwich experience is that- now the love of your life, who has successfully managed to snore through the previous 5 hours of sickness, now wakes up “happy” cuz your are sleeping too close. He rolls over and says- “Why are they in here?”  My last answer was my favorite “Well because at 2 am I decided to wake the child up, stick my finger down his throat, make him work out so he was radiating heat, so that instead of being the standard Mama Sandwich I could be a Grilled Mama sandwich- it’s obviously been my life’s dream”  After a little giggling and checking the radiators temperature and thinking we were on the uptake-  the next one shows up and says the dreaded “Mama I don’t feel good”.  Oh well – I guess the Grilled Mama Sandwich is back on the menu. 

 

 

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Cuz I said so!!

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Everyone has lofty ideal’s when they start out on the joyful journey of parenthood.  We all spend the 9 months of pregnancy excited and looking forward to this little bundle of joy which we will love and cherish.  We will not and I repeat not say the things our parents said or do some of the things our parents did we did not like.  We will negotiate and work out our differences with our children- they will be brilliant right?? .  We will hug them and tell them we love them when they misbehave- they will be brilliant right? We will talk and have intelligent conversations with them- they will be brilliant right?

Then the inevitable happens and the child is born.  Within the first year you start to have a sneaking suspicion the child may not be brilliant.  You spend the whole year working with the child and the first word they truly understand and can say is “NO” and they have no intention of negotiating with you at all.  You struggle with trying to explain: that’s dangerous, that’s hot, that’s bad, that’s scary, that will break etc etc etc.  The child still looks at you steadfastly and says “NO”.  After the negotiations fail you resort back to the tried and true method of – OK I’m bigger than you so I will just move you.  This method works every time and you start to think- hmmm- maybe those who have done this before me, might of been on to something 🙂

As they grow they learn new words and start to use your words against you.  I was a parent who never spoke baby talk to my children. My eldest was about 2 when we were standing in the grocery store check out line.  He had been sitting in the cart through the whole shopping experience and was just about at the end of any 2 year old’s patience limit.  He pointed at the ground and said “down”.  I said “No” so he pointed again and said “Down” in a more forceful manner.  I again said “No” at which point my two and 1/2 year old looked at me and said “Down- mommy that’s not negotiable”  Now the negotiable was a little garbled, but hey- I got the point.  He stayed in the cart, but I realized he was smart.  He wasn’t smart in the way I had expected- more in the way I dreaded. 

This new found child intelligence turns quickly into the “WHY” stage.  Now for those parents who have not survived the “Why” stage yet- get ready because you will shortly find yourself saying things you never ever expected.  The “Why” stage sneaks up on you.  As a parent you have spent the last 3 to 4 years teaching this little being who you made all about the world. This little fat faced toddler now thinks you are the most brilliant human on the planet and know everything. My favorite conversation every went something like this:

Chid: Mom- Why does that man have a chainsaw in his truck?

Me: Because he was cutting down a tree (perfectly good explanation- I thought)

Child: Why was he cutting down a tree?

Me: Because it was probably dead (I think I’m doing well)

Child: Why was it dead? 

Me: Because some bugs eat trees and they die (OK- now we’re teaching) 

Child: Why do they eat trees?

Me: Because just like us they need energy and have to eat  

Child: Why? Why? Why?

After the next few why’s and my explanations of each I found myself trying to explain a bugs circulatory system to a 4 year old.  Right then and there I learned that sometimes a perfectly acceptable answer is “Just cause”   

After the why stage their intelligence suddenly turns into the most evil kind of all.  At about 8 to 10 they now have the skills to out negotiate you!! They ask to do something and you say “NO”. They then look at you, with that 4 year old cherub face (which they’ve mastered now) and say “Why?”  Being the intelligent parent, who wants to always be reasonable, you spend about 4 to 5 minutes giving them many valid reasons for your decisions.  Then something terrifying happens!!!  That child- who until now thought you were the smartest person in the world- turns into Matlock, Ally McBeal, and Jack McCoy all rolled into one.  He could now, at 9 years old, get a job in any court room in the land.  He’s arguments are brilliant, valid, and worst of all – better than yours.  You try to negotiate, but somewhere around 30 minutes in you realize by the smirk on the little shits face- you are beaten. 

This is when you learn the most important and tried and true lesson of parenthood that has been passed from generation to generation.  This lesson is painful to learn because it goes against EVERYTHING you believed while you carried them and changed their cute little diapers.  It is a beautifully simple statement with no negotiations possible.  They hate it because it seems sooo unfair.  A perfectly good explanation to any child’s question is “BECAUSE I AM YOUR MOTHER AND I SAID SO!!”  

 

 

 

 

 

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