#wife

Notes To Self

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This morning started off as usual. The alarm went off at 5:30. I grudgingly got out of bed and made my way through the house in the dark saying only a few choice words as I bumped into random things that hurt.  I stumbled down the stairs and accomplished not breaking a bone. I attempt to get the oldest parasite out of the bed and into the shower.  Now that he is a teenager this feat takes more energy than most things I do all day. There is crying, yelling, arguing, throwing blankets and pillows, and jumping around like a monkey- and those are just me. These are all just while he lays there saying the age old “Please-just 5 more minutes Mom” Now at this point I have two choices- I can stumble back through my dark house and hurt myself or just crawl in the bed with him.  Guess which one I pick at 5:30? Well it certainly isn’t the injure myself option.  Something amazing happened suddenly- my mission was accomplished- parasite got up!  I smirk and say to myself “Note to Self”

I’m finding as I go through my life now as a wife, mother, daughter, friend, employee, and in general jack of all duties I am smirking and saying “Note to self” much more often.  “Note to Self” is a powerful thing.  It means you’re learning. I never really thought I would still be learning quite this much in my late 40’s, but I think I am actually learning much more.

You learn lots of “Notes to Self” in your teens and twenties.  These are painful lessons:

1) Lying to your mother when she asks you a question is probably a mute point because she’s asking because she already knows

2) When you stick your head above a crowd they throw rocks at it- the hard part is those darn things can really be the size of boulders

3) Everyone you love isn’t going to love you back (unless they are family and then you’re just stuck with them)

4) Too much alcohol and no food is a dangerous combo and you’ll still probably do it again anyway

5) Smarting off to a policeman is never a good idea unless orange jumpsuits is your favorite outfit (I personally never learned this, but I live vicariously some days through the hubby) 

Now as I age the “Notes to Self” are not as life changing and are much simpler, but happen much more frequently. They are also usually much more amusing to me.

These are just a few I had today:

1) Teenage boys don’t like mommy to crawl in bed with them and will jump up with no arguing.

2) Teenage girls say approximately one million words a second and as long as you listen to at least every ten you will still get the jist of the conversation and as long as you make eye contact and say yes every 100 words you are a GREAT mom.

3) When the toothpaste tube is cut in two on the bathroom counter so a parasite could brush their teeth it might be time to go the drug store and buy toothpaste

4) 11 year old boys should not be allowed to put on cologne unless you want them to smell like a cheap hooker.

5) When there are four prepubescent boys and yelling starts coming from downstairs – there is probably a fight going on and you should probably get up and go down.  If you don’t- they all run upstairs and start yelling at you at once. 

6) Changing my fonts and background on here was difficult for me and I just wanna write funny stuff and not conquer the internet. I can’t conquer my children so the internet is definitely beyond my capabilities.  Hey – it’s also important to know your limitations.

In my twenties most of the lessons were painful and can only be amusing now that time has passed.  In my 40’s the lessons are getting simple and funny.  I can’t imagine the “Notes to Self” I will have in my 50’s and 60’s, but man am I looking forward to them.  We talk a lot about wisdom as we age, but maybe wisdom is just a string of what I call “Notes to Self” 

 

 

 

 

 

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I’m Above the Weather

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So I missed a day writing yesterday because I was under the weather.  Not that I have ever understood the term under the weather. Why can’t we just say sick?  Under the weather sounds like I was playing in the rain.  What in the world does weather have to do with my throat hurting and running a fever.  Speaking of strange terms- exactly where is my fever running?  Did it sign up for a marathon and not tell me?  If it did- I’m not going without a scary clown with a knife chasing me

Oh sorry- I wandered off- back to point!  So I was sick yesterday (not under the weather- what ever that means) and took a day off of writing. Actually I took the day off of everything. It’s hard to accomplish much while your fever is running a marathon.  Oops- wandering again. 

It’s amazing the things you actually notice when you are not capable of human interaction and are stuck with daytime TV and the internet. I actually can just lay in my bed now with a smartphone and know everything that is going on in the world with a swipe of my finger.  Here’s a few things I learned while I was under the weather:

1) Someone is notoriously complaining abut the weather.  Now granted – it is Spring in the South which is a little schizophrenic.  In the last thirty six hours we have successfully gone from 70 degree’s to 20. I actually saw snow/sun today.  I’ve always heard of the “Devil Beating his Wife’ when it’s raining and the sun is shining so I guess we’ll just call that the Devil Beating Jack Frost.  Hey- don’t freak out- I left out the word off.

2) There are A Lot of religious people.  I am a believer that everyone should be religious and rejoice in their beliefs.  We live in a land of religious freedom and you should always be able to worship freely and share those beliefs. But come on now- who are some of you fooling? If there were as many religious people as I see on Facebook, TV, and the internet there wouldn’t be an empty pew in the nation. FYI – I’m not talking to anyone in particular, but if you got offended – it wasn’t really at me.

3) People on both sides take their politics waaaaay too seriously.  There is nothing like seeing the posts on occasions where people have been unfriended or have unfriended someone because of a difference in political views on Facebook. Now granted I do believe we all take things too seriously and no one seems to know the art of debating anymore without turning into a two year old and insulting each other. Most debates now sound more like “You’re a poo poo head!!” “No- You’re a poo poo head!”  Those debates always go well and usually end up with a “MOM” being yelled which is hard when the participants are in their 40’s.  What tickles me about these debates is they are not hard to avoid in the first place.  If you watch closely you should always know their political beliefs based on their posts anyway.  If they post them daily exactly what is going through your mind that makes you think your arguments are gonna change them anyway? Trust me- you’re not that good!!  Why do they have to believe what you do anyway? Let them rant- if it bugs you that much when they post pictures of their kids- quietly make fun of them and be glad yours are better looking. 

4) There seems to be very few independent thoughts anymore.  I remember when Facebook started most posts were of the people on Facebook’s life.  You could keep up with friends who you no longer saw.  You heard what was going on in their lives, saw their families, and saw how well or badly they’ve aged.  Oh come on now, admit it- there are a least a few you’ve looked at and said “Phew- at least I aged better than that”  Now if you have a Facebook go back to your page when you are done and look I bet approximately 3/4 of everything on the page is a share of something else.  You don’t really need to talk to anyone anymore just look at the things they’ve shared.  They will tell you everything you need to know about their religion, their politics, their social awareness, what their family does, and their sense of humor.  I’m guilty too because some things are just too funny to me not to share, but we miss hearing about your lives. I like seeing your kids and families (even the ugly ones)  I think reality is always comic and I miss the reality so if you would post us something from just you soon. Unless you wanna share this and then by all means go right ahead 🙂

5) There are a lot of people cooking very good food and none are sharing with me. As I laid in my bed I saw and heard about lunches and dinners. As I lay there eating tomato soup and banana Popsicle’s (Yes I know I’m weird, but that’s another story) I saw all this wonderful food. I saw sushi, hamburgers wrapped in bacon, waffles, cookie cakes, muffins, salads, and casseroles. I heard about pot roast, chicken alfredo, and steak and potatoes. All of this made me hungry so I turned on the TV – lo and behold- more food! When did 1/2 the shows on TV start to be cooking shows? I’m shocked we are a society moving toward obese- all we do is talk about food.  It’s not that hard to cook like a professional if you just watch cooking shows all day.  I’ve always said I could be too, but until I get a sous chef they are getting hamburger helper.  All that chopping is exhausting. You would think at least one of the parasites would of stepped up by now, but no such luck.  I can’t tell some days of they are lazy are just like my crappy food. Either way- they aren’t starving nor or they obese so I’m going with cooking crappy food is good for them. If you’re not going to share your food with me- It’s my justification and I’m sticking to it!

I’m finally starting to feel better again so maybe tomorrow I’ll get back out in the real world and see what I can learn amusing while I’m above the weather.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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