The Child Did What??

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I really do have an evil streak and have always loved making people a little nervous.  When it comes to involving my children I find it even more amusing.  I bet you think I’m talking about turning into the MAMA BEAR and protecting the little A-holes and scaring people who are responsible for them.  What would be the fun in that?  Everybody seems to be doing that today- even at the expense of common sense.  Any adult that calls, concerning your kids today, is so nervous you can basically hear the shaking over the phone. We all know “THAT”  parent “Yes Mr Principle I am sure you think you saw my little Johnny do that, but that just is not possible because he just wouldn’t of and he told me he didn’t and if you think you are going to punish him I’ll go above your head”  I really wish principles could say “Yes- you dumb ass parent, just because I saw him do it obviously doesn’t mean he’s lying to you either”  Well- I guess you all know why I’m not a teacher or administrator now.

I like doing it a little differently.  Differently isn’t the right word- opposite is more correct.  I learned this skill from my father who when he took me to school the first day handed his hand to my teacher to shake, introduced me and said “If she misbehaves in any way and you are forced to punish her please let me know and she will get three times that punishment at home.”  Needless to say- that at home thing was waaay scarier than anything that sweet woman in front of me could do so I wasn’t getting in trouble.  

I love making today’s educators a little scared I may hurt my own parasites. Trust me the reactions are priceless cause it’s so not what they are expecting.  The poor school nurses who are tasked to call parents every time one of our little darlings does anything dumb or even remotely gets a boo boo have it the worst.   I have abused these poor women unmercifully for years. Trust me I think they have me on speed dial and a heart around the last day one of mine will be in their school.  My favorite was when my darling daughter was 5 and she brilliantly wadded up a sticker and promptly shoved it in her ear.  The following nurse conversation went something like this:

Nurse- Ms Ross- typical long pause because of shaking

Me: Yes

Nurse: This is Nurse Ratchet at the elementary school and Sally has a sticker in her ear

Me: A What?

Nurse: A Sticker and it is so far down in her ear she is going to have to go the doctor to have it removed

Me: Excuse me?  She DID WHAT??

Nurse: She has a sticker stuck in her ear

Me: PUT THE BRILLIANT CHILD ON THE PHONE- tone loaded with sarcasm

Nurse: Ms Ross she is going to need to go to the Doctor

Me:  Yes I GET that, but please PUT THE CHILD ON THE PHONE

Nurse: Are you sure?

Me: Yes, unless I have another child in your office who was dumb enough to shove a sticker down their ear- again tone loaded with sarcasm

Nurse: Giggling now- OK

I have spent many a day on the phone with the elementary school nurse for one dumb child maneuver or another for 10 years.  Our conversations are always similar.  She starts out all nervous because she believes I may be upset because my little dumbo Johnny hit his head on his desk and me asking- Does he look hurt? No- well send him back to class.   I guess there are parents out there that think by a teacher watching them and saying “No- please don’t do that” it will somehow work miraculously better than when they say it and he bumps his head anyway.  I wish there was just some form I could sign in the nurses office that says:

Yes I understand they are children and they are clumsy and I give you permission to not call me with the exceptions of:

1) Profuse bleeding- stitches or very large bandage needed

2) Fever

3) Projectile vomiting

4) Obvious broken bone

5) Black Outs for no reason

6) Stupid action that requires doctor visit (Ya know you’ve gotta cover the brilliant sticker in the ear) 

If none of the stated above applies I give you permission to wipe it off, put a band aid on it and send them back to class.

Now because of “THAT” parent I am sure I would have to sign it in blood for fear of legal action.  “That” parent seems to believe that this building full of people who have dedicated their lives to children are really just a bunch of incompetent boob heads who know absolutely nothing about our little darlings.  I’m sure my telecommunications background definitely qualifies me to know more of how to treat little Susie’s injury from falling on the playground and skinning her knee than the trained nurse in that office. 

I’m telling you the next time the school calls for injury or especially disciplinary actions- try living in a reality where little Johnny isn’t perfect.   Actually act like you have respect for the adult on the other end of the phone and say “THE CHILD DID WHAT??”  This causes pregnant pauses of confusion while their brains catch up to understanding this long ago behavior.  Trust me- if you have an evil streak and like to make people uncomfortable- just act like a parent. 











I’m a Grilled Mama Sandwich!!

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I have never liked being sick.  I would rather be lazy.  It takes some skill to avoid doing work, but being sick there is no options or skill. You lay in bed for sometimes days with nothing to do that’s even remotely fun.  Your muscles feels like you have done P90X for three days straight, but your body gets none of the benefits.  If I’m gonna be that sore- damn it- I want some pay-off!!

I have always needed (no required) 3 things when I am sick.  I neeeed tomato soup and grilled cheese, banana popsicles, and most importantly- my Mama.   I am aware that some of my requests during sickness are a little odd.  Tomato soup is my just my favorite. You people can keep your weak chicken and noodle, bring me something that sticks to my ribs.  Banana popsicles are probably the most interesting.  When I was a child my grandfather loved to spoil me and I was a little gullible.  The man convinced me that banana popsicles can cure anything and it seemed to work-  so if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.  The by far most important ingredient to my cure all is my Mama.

I know some people call them Mother out of respect and that is fine.  To us in the South we don’t have Mothers – we have Mama’s! Until I was grown, my Mama spent countless days and nights with me getting medicine, getting me cool wash rags for my forehead, making me food, and holding my hair back while I threw up.  The culmination of all of this was to snuggle me up next to her in her bed for the night.  For a child who hurts or feels like their body is revolting against them- this bed seemed to always make it feel better. Mama’s have that super power when they choose to use and unleash it’s ability.  Now above I said til I was grown-  SHHHHH- I still make my Mama lay down with me at 46 when she comes in to bring me my tomato soup and banana popsicles. A Mama’s job is never done!!

Now that I have my own parasites and I’m the Mama it’s amazing how things never change.  The only things that changed is now I really understand what my sweet, innocent, loving, caring mama was “really” thinking during all of those long nights.  No- mama’s never say it – we only think these things.  We keep going and are sweet because it’s not their fault they’re sick and we are the Mama. These never slip out – but don’t even try to say you’ve never had one of them slip accidentally through your brain

1) Really?- of course your sick- I have an early morning meeting

2) 2 am- Where the heck is that stupid measuring cup?  oh here’s a spoon and it’ll work -it’s close. Will they ever be able to take pills?

3) Oh God please let them make it to the toilet

4) Oh God- you must hate me tonight cuz now I’ve got to clean that up and I’ll puck too

5) “Yes- I’ll get the flashlight”  Brain- because the 101 fever isn’t telling me your throat looks bad anyway

6) How the HELL is he sleeping through this?

Now I still pull my sick babies in my bed and cuddle them to unleash the super power.  Ladies we have so few- we need to throw them around whenever possible.  Our Super Powers have a direct correlation with- if the parasites take care of us when we’re old.  I’m looking forward to getting kicked out of the old folks home for lewd behavior just to hear their argument on who has got to keep me 🙂

When they were little cuddling them up in my bed was wonderful. We had a king sized bed and they took up just a little room.  I would tuck them in, cuddle them up, and we would all sleep. (Well at least try between the sick whining).  Recently something has changed I wasn’t expecting- my children aren’t so little anymore. They are or are close to full size adults.  The small portion they used to take now is a full twin size.  This wouldn’t be so bad except I now have to sleep in the middle.  I call these nights – “The Mama Sandwich”  I now spend these nights slammed between my cuddling husband and a sick child.  This equals long nights of sweating because of my own child personal radiator, rearranging of towels for maximum protection, and sleeping in “the wet spot” from the cool washrag that fell off his head and landed under my shoulder.   My favorite part of the whole Mama Sandwich experience is that- now the love of your life, who has successfully managed to snore through the previous 5 hours of sickness, now wakes up “happy” cuz your are sleeping too close. He rolls over and says- “Why are they in here?”  My last answer was my favorite “Well because at 2 am I decided to wake the child up, stick my finger down his throat, make him work out so he was radiating heat, so that instead of being the standard Mama Sandwich I could be a Grilled Mama sandwich- it’s obviously been my life’s dream”  After a little giggling and checking the radiators temperature and thinking we were on the uptake-  the next one shows up and says the dreaded “Mama I don’t feel good”.  Oh well – I guess the Grilled Mama Sandwich is back on the menu.