The Child Did What??

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I really do have an evil streak and have always loved making people a little nervous.  When it comes to involving my children I find it even more amusing.  I bet you think I’m talking about turning into the MAMA BEAR and protecting the little A-holes and scaring people who are responsible for them.  What would be the fun in that?  Everybody seems to be doing that today- even at the expense of common sense.  Any adult that calls, concerning your kids today, is so nervous you can basically hear the shaking over the phone. We all know “THAT”  parent “Yes Mr Principle I am sure you think you saw my little Johnny do that, but that just is not possible because he just wouldn’t of and he told me he didn’t and if you think you are going to punish him I’ll go above your head”  I really wish principles could say “Yes- you dumb ass parent, just because I saw him do it obviously doesn’t mean he’s lying to you either”  Well- I guess you all know why I’m not a teacher or administrator now.

I like doing it a little differently.  Differently isn’t the right word- opposite is more correct.  I learned this skill from my father who when he took me to school the first day handed his hand to my teacher to shake, introduced me and said “If she misbehaves in any way and you are forced to punish her please let me know and she will get three times that punishment at home.”  Needless to say- that at home thing was waaay scarier than anything that sweet woman in front of me could do so I wasn’t getting in trouble.  

I love making today’s educators a little scared I may hurt my own parasites. Trust me the reactions are priceless cause it’s so not what they are expecting.  The poor school nurses who are tasked to call parents every time one of our little darlings does anything dumb or even remotely gets a boo boo have it the worst.   I have abused these poor women unmercifully for years. Trust me I think they have me on speed dial and a heart around the last day one of mine will be in their school.  My favorite was when my darling daughter was 5 and she brilliantly wadded up a sticker and promptly shoved it in her ear.  The following nurse conversation went something like this:

Nurse- Ms Ross- typical long pause because of shaking

Me: Yes

Nurse: This is Nurse Ratchet at the elementary school and Sally has a sticker in her ear

Me: A What?

Nurse: A Sticker and it is so far down in her ear she is going to have to go the doctor to have it removed

Me: Excuse me?  She DID WHAT??

Nurse: She has a sticker stuck in her ear

Me: PUT THE BRILLIANT CHILD ON THE PHONE- tone loaded with sarcasm

Nurse: Ms Ross she is going to need to go to the Doctor

Me:  Yes I GET that, but please PUT THE CHILD ON THE PHONE

Nurse: Are you sure?

Me: Yes, unless I have another child in your office who was dumb enough to shove a sticker down their ear- again tone loaded with sarcasm

Nurse: Giggling now- OK

I have spent many a day on the phone with the elementary school nurse for one dumb child maneuver or another for 10 years.  Our conversations are always similar.  She starts out all nervous because she believes I may be upset because my little dumbo Johnny hit his head on his desk and me asking- Does he look hurt? No- well send him back to class.   I guess there are parents out there that think by a teacher watching them and saying “No- please don’t do that” it will somehow work miraculously better than when they say it and he bumps his head anyway.  I wish there was just some form I could sign in the nurses office that says:

Yes I understand they are children and they are clumsy and I give you permission to not call me with the exceptions of:

1) Profuse bleeding- stitches or very large bandage needed

2) Fever

3) Projectile vomiting

4) Obvious broken bone

5) Black Outs for no reason

6) Stupid action that requires doctor visit (Ya know you’ve gotta cover the brilliant sticker in the ear) 

If none of the stated above applies I give you permission to wipe it off, put a band aid on it and send them back to class.

Now because of “THAT” parent I am sure I would have to sign it in blood for fear of legal action.  “That” parent seems to believe that this building full of people who have dedicated their lives to children are really just a bunch of incompetent boob heads who know absolutely nothing about our little darlings.  I’m sure my telecommunications background definitely qualifies me to know more of how to treat little Susie’s injury from falling on the playground and skinning her knee than the trained nurse in that office. 

I’m telling you the next time the school calls for injury or especially disciplinary actions- try living in a reality where little Johnny isn’t perfect.   Actually act like you have respect for the adult on the other end of the phone and say “THE CHILD DID WHAT??”  This causes pregnant pauses of confusion while their brains catch up to understanding this long ago behavior.  Trust me- if you have an evil streak and like to make people uncomfortable- just act like a parent. 











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