I am luckier than most and my job allows me to work from my home, Being in sales I am usually running around the city in appointments and cussing traffic, but every now and then there is a day where I have no appointments and spend my day on conference calls and doing busy work. I wake up, get the kids off to school, drink a pot of coffee, turn on the computer, start work, and basically sit at my desk in front of my computer on the phone in pajama’s and bath robe until noon. Needless to say on these days I am a beautiful bed head site. My hair has been known to accomplish sticking straight out a good 6 inches all the way around my head. If you just saw me you would think I had been struck by lightening during the night. I have red hair so if you add in the no make-up factor and pale skin I could pass for the scariest clown at the circus. I can make toddlers cry at 40 paces.
Now as I work I usually have the TV on in the background for “the noise” factor. I don’t know about you, but living with 4 other humans, 2 dogs, a bird, a lizard, and a container full of crickets has suddenly made me deathly afraid of things being too quiet. If the house gets too quiet I start to hyperventilate and start to feel a panic attack coming. I am convinced the old saying “the quiet before the storm” wasn’t written about the weather. It was written by a mother of boys who knew good and well if she had 5 minutes of peace it would be shortly interrupted by an explosion or a trip to the ER (or both). So I keep the TV on for the noise so I can relax.
I very rarely pay much attention to the noise that is going on in the background. This is not really a hard feat- (have you seen daytime TV lately?) It’s a string of mindless talk shows where we talk about celebrities dresses, divorces, meditation and yoga techniques. If they aren’t just sitting there talking they are cooking and talking. Basically daytime TV has turned into every party I’ve been to since my thirties. The women just stand around in the kitchen and chat and graze on snacks, I don’t understand or really even remember when that change happened. Suddenly just one day we went from males and females all together in the living room hanging out and talking to the women in the kitchen and males on the deck. I think it’s just be hardwired into the human brain when we turn thirty or maybe by then we have just been married long enough we are craving company of our own kind. I do have days when I think: OH please for the love of God can I have an estrogen adult conversation. Oop- wandering again, back to topic.
Now my favorite part about day time TV is absolutely none of the commercials are written for me. I am not even close to any of their demographics. I am convinced the advertisers believe the ONLY people in America who ever even turn on a TV during the day consist in three categories:
1) New moms
3) You have been in a horrible accident
Now I am thankful I do not fit any of these demographics. I have NO need now for baby toys, wipes, or diapers nor do I ever want to again. The only time I will ever buy these again (if they aren’t on a registry) is hopefully for my grandkids and based on the ages of my own parasites let’s hope and pray that’s after the AARP card comes in the mail. I don’t qualify yet for AARP even though my body feels a hundred every morning as my knees creak as I go down the stairs. Maybe the qualifications should change from age to body noises. I could send them in a tape of my bones and I’m pretty sure they would gladly send me a card. I could use the discounts on hotel rooms.Now my personal favorite are the injury attorneys. These guys must spend 100% of their entire advertising budgets between the hours of 10 am and 4 pm. They are approximately 1/3 of all commercials on during the day. They don’t spend much of that budget on the commercials, just on the time. The commercials are poorly put together. They are all the same. The attorney tells you how he’s going to fight for you and get you more money. Then a few testimonials from people that got astronomical amounts of money (which are usually ugly enough that they could be real- they can’t possibly be professional actors) Then the attorney comes back with the disclaimer that he can’t guarantee you that much. If you listen to their commercials you can sue for anything. Today one in particular perked up my ears. They wanted me to sue if I had ever used talcum powder and got cancer because it is based on a new study. Of course it wasn’t that simple, but talcum powder? Hasn’t pretty much everyone here used powder at some point in their lives? How did this study accomplish getting a control group? Did they start at births in 1968 and tell certain moms they couldn’t use powder on their babies butts and tell other moms to go to town with the powder? Did they follow these children for the last 40 years and tell the adults in the control group – I know you have jock itch, but sorry no powder for you? Who even thought to file for grant money to study the link between cancer and powder? Was it a guy who had a lot of issue’s and used a lot of powder and got cancer and thought “hmmm- I’m sure it wasn’t the fact I smoked 30 years that caused this- it must be the powder?” Heaven forbid it not be “just cuz” Whatever happened to “Just Cuz”? Somethings in life just can’t be explained or sued away. Who can explain why certain people can eat horrid food and never have high cholesterol while other people can eat just raw veggies and be off the chart? Why do some people who exercise and are in great health fall over dead from a heart attack? Who can explain why some people can smoke, or I guess now use powder, for 60 years and never develop cancer why other people do? Who can explain why certain parents can raise 2 great kids and one complete cluster while raising them the same? Somethings really just have no correct answer nor can there be anyone or anything to blame- sometimes the answers really are “JUST CUZ”
I just realized Lent comes at the perfect time of year!
Everyone knows and understands that wonderful time of year when we pop champagne, stay up too late, light fireworks, wear funny hats, sing Auld Lang Syne, and kiss our beloved (or at least who’s standing there). New Years Eve is that drunk time we all have those brilliant idea’s of starting fresh or starting over. The next morning we call those New Year Resolutions – gym memberships increase, hungover people around the world swear they’ll never drink again, green vegetables fly off the shelf’s, and new savings accounts are established. Now on there face values these lofty goals are considered healthy. They could even be considered luxuries of the self indulgent. What typically happens, however; is we fall short of any semblance of achieving them within 2 months. We then spend the next 10 months looking at ourselves in the mirror with that disappointed look that your preacher gave you when you accidentally stole the $20 out of the collection plate.
If we had ever had any hope of doing those dazzling resolutions in the first place- we wouldn’t of needed to be drunk to imagine we could pull them off.
Now this year I formulated the perfect plan to avoid the 10 months of personal discouragement. About the time the resolutions are starting to feel like you have taken on a Herculean task- and you ain’t Hercules- It’s Mardi Gras!! If you think about it Mardi Gras is a lot like a several week loooong New Years Eve culminating with Fat Tuesday. We drink too much, wear funny hats and masks, have parades, fireworks, show our tits for beads, and in general carouse as if it’s the world is gonna end. The festivities are only over when it’s time for us to behave again because it’s Lent.
Now the beginning of Lent, or Ash Wednesday, is a lot like New Year Day with one very important difference. Hangover’s abound, but now we must learn to suffer in order to be prepared for Easter. We are supposed to give up certain types of luxuries as a form of penitence. Now many choose to fast, give up candy, soda’s, or booze. Y’all can do as you please, but I’ve decided I’m gonna give up all those self indulgent luxuries called New Year’s Resolutions I made two months ago. It’s my form of penitence.
I think it’ll work for me. Not cooking is similar to fasting, not eating healthy is similar to not eating candy, not drinking water is similar to not drinking soda, and going back to wine from whisky is technically giving up booze!
Hey- if nothing else- I’ll wink at myself every morning 🙂