I am luckier than most and my job allows me to work from my home, Being in sales I am usually running around the city in appointments and cussing traffic, but every now and then there is a day where I have no appointments and spend my day on conference calls and doing busy work. I wake up, get the kids off to school, drink a pot of coffee, turn on the computer, start work, and basically sit at my desk in front of my computer on the phone in pajama’s and bath robe until noon. Needless to say on these days I am a beautiful bed head site. My hair has been known to accomplish sticking straight out a good 6 inches all the way around my head. If you just saw me you would think I had been struck by lightening during the night. I have red hair so if you add in the no make-up factor and pale skin I could pass for the scariest clown at the circus. I can make toddlers cry at 40 paces.
Now as I work I usually have the TV on in the background for “the noise” factor. I don’t know about you, but living with 4 other humans, 2 dogs, a bird, a lizard, and a container full of crickets has suddenly made me deathly afraid of things being too quiet. If the house gets too quiet I start to hyperventilate and start to feel a panic attack coming. I am convinced the old saying “the quiet before the storm” wasn’t written about the weather. It was written by a mother of boys who knew good and well if she had 5 minutes of peace it would be shortly interrupted by an explosion or a trip to the ER (or both). So I keep the TV on for the noise so I can relax.
I very rarely pay much attention to the noise that is going on in the background. This is not really a hard feat- (have you seen daytime TV lately?) It’s a string of mindless talk shows where we talk about celebrities dresses, divorces, meditation and yoga techniques. If they aren’t just sitting there talking they are cooking and talking. Basically daytime TV has turned into every party I’ve been to since my thirties. The women just stand around in the kitchen and chat and graze on snacks, I don’t understand or really even remember when that change happened. Suddenly just one day we went from males and females all together in the living room hanging out and talking to the women in the kitchen and males on the deck. I think it’s just be hardwired into the human brain when we turn thirty or maybe by then we have just been married long enough we are craving company of our own kind. I do have days when I think: OH please for the love of God can I have an estrogen adult conversation. Oop- wandering again, back to topic.
Now my favorite part about day time TV is absolutely none of the commercials are written for me. I am not even close to any of their demographics. I am convinced the advertisers believe the ONLY people in America who ever even turn on a TV during the day consist in three categories:
1) New moms
3) You have been in a horrible accident
Now I am thankful I do not fit any of these demographics. I have NO need now for baby toys, wipes, or diapers nor do I ever want to again. The only time I will ever buy these again (if they aren’t on a registry) is hopefully for my grandkids and based on the ages of my own parasites let’s hope and pray that’s after the AARP card comes in the mail. I don’t qualify yet for AARP even though my body feels a hundred every morning as my knees creak as I go down the stairs. Maybe the qualifications should change from age to body noises. I could send them in a tape of my bones and I’m pretty sure they would gladly send me a card. I could use the discounts on hotel rooms.Now my personal favorite are the injury attorneys. These guys must spend 100% of their entire advertising budgets between the hours of 10 am and 4 pm. They are approximately 1/3 of all commercials on during the day. They don’t spend much of that budget on the commercials, just on the time. The commercials are poorly put together. They are all the same. The attorney tells you how he’s going to fight for you and get you more money. Then a few testimonials from people that got astronomical amounts of money (which are usually ugly enough that they could be real- they can’t possibly be professional actors) Then the attorney comes back with the disclaimer that he can’t guarantee you that much. If you listen to their commercials you can sue for anything. Today one in particular perked up my ears. They wanted me to sue if I had ever used talcum powder and got cancer because it is based on a new study. Of course it wasn’t that simple, but talcum powder? Hasn’t pretty much everyone here used powder at some point in their lives? How did this study accomplish getting a control group? Did they start at births in 1968 and tell certain moms they couldn’t use powder on their babies butts and tell other moms to go to town with the powder? Did they follow these children for the last 40 years and tell the adults in the control group – I know you have jock itch, but sorry no powder for you? Who even thought to file for grant money to study the link between cancer and powder? Was it a guy who had a lot of issue’s and used a lot of powder and got cancer and thought “hmmm- I’m sure it wasn’t the fact I smoked 30 years that caused this- it must be the powder?” Heaven forbid it not be “just cuz” Whatever happened to “Just Cuz”? Somethings in life just can’t be explained or sued away. Who can explain why certain people can eat horrid food and never have high cholesterol while other people can eat just raw veggies and be off the chart? Why do some people who exercise and are in great health fall over dead from a heart attack? Who can explain why some people can smoke, or I guess now use powder, for 60 years and never develop cancer why other people do? Who can explain why certain parents can raise 2 great kids and one complete cluster while raising them the same? Somethings really just have no correct answer nor can there be anyone or anything to blame- sometimes the answers really are “JUST CUZ”
I woke up this morning and was convinced it was just another Friday. I woke up the kids, sent them to school and sat down to drink my coffee before starting my very normal crazy work day. As I flipped through the TV I learned it was a double holiday. I had NO idea I was missing out on another one of these made up useless holidays, much less a two for one. This one is even more confusing than the made up Hallmark Holiday of Valentines Day is to men.
Today is National PI Day and International Sleep Day. Now you did read correctly – I said National Pi Day, I could understand National Pie Day or even National Hug an Engineer Day, but PI. How is one supposed to celebrate a number- Much less a non whole number? How exactly do you celebrate 3.14159? Do we sing “Jenny- I’ve got your number” and change the lyrics to 3.14159, do we eat 3.14159 percent of a pie, do we just get the calculator out and just do random math problems?? I am so confused!!
Adding in International Sleep Day to this made up holiday does help me make sense of this- a little. I understand sleep and especially the fact I never get enough. I KNOW how to celebrate sleep!! It consists of curling up in sweats, crawling in my bed, closing my eyes, and yelling to the kids “I SAID BE QUITE- I AM TRYING TO TAKE A NAP” a hundred times. I understand how to celebrate sleep, but my little darling parasites seem to have been confused on mommy sleep celebrations since before coming out of the womb.
I have decided the best thing we can do when the world throws us ridiculous holidays is to roll with it now. Especially when they make it two-fer. I am going to get in my sweats, crawl in my bed with the calculator, do some random math, and take a 3.14159 day nap. See ya St Paddy’s Day while I pick a four leaf clover and drink green beer!!
Explain to me why any of my children, including the largest I call my husband, believe they are allowed to basically throw 2 year old temper tantrums at any non announced moment? Now- if they could manage these fits without involving me I would be fine and just say “hey- to each his own”. However; this is NEVER how these things roll! These things typically involve:
1) Screaming commences by said temper tantrum thrower (cussing if largest child)
2) I begin to hear things being thrown around and it starts to get louder
3) I jump straight up worried that my house if being destroyed (which 50% of the time is valid)
4) I begin to accomplish task that started temper tantrum
5) I accomplish said task
6) I clean up after temper tantrum
Now if these were typically difficult tasks I might be OK with the balance of power stated. They are never difficult. These are typically on something as simple as finding a clean pair of jeans or socks. Really- How have I raised a husband and 3 kids who are incapable of dressing themselves on occasion? I can dress myself – can’t they learn by example or do I need to start laying their cloths out for them to avoid the yelling. Maybe if I confuse their cloths and lay the dresses out for the boys and gym cloths out for the girl they might learn?? Probably not though- they would just yell louder 🙂
This morning might be my favorite hubby temper tantrum of all time!! I asked him to do the one simple morning task that even the dumbest and most incompetent of people can usually accomplish- making coffee. Everything seemed to be moving along swimmingly. I was watching TV and relaxing when suddenly I hear lots and lots of cussing, then yep you guessed it- the banging. I jump up and run as fast I can to the kitchen in the fear he has somehow burned himself and we need to go to ER. What I see was even amazing to me- coffee grounds and coffee ALL over the kitchen and the entire coffee maker in the sink. How do you even pull that off??? I learned that the filter had accidentally folded over and it was running over. Instead of handling this minor situation (or even calling me too) his solution was to unplug the entire maker and throw it 4 feet in the sink. WTF?? Well needless to say 20 minutes later it was cleaned up and I was laughing at him. Ya know- sometimes ya gotta laugh instead of cry!
Now I’m by no means implying that I don’t get mad and say a few choice words and yell on occasion because that would just be a lie!! I’m just saying mine usually have warning! Mine are more like a great composer writing a symphony that builds to a crescendo. Trust me- you can see em coming and have the choice to continue or not!! Most of my family is smart and knows to stop or run- my hubby and youngest – yep just not so smart!!
Every time one of these split second tantrums happens I remember Sally Fields in Steel Magnolia’s saying something about maybe she should have more emotional outbursts at home because her husband would be so pleased. I think I may start trying them just for fun so they can stay on their toes. I want to see them jump on command- JUST ONCE!! 🙂