Red Earth of Tara
I’m having one of those days that I can write about a hundred 1 liner funny Facebook posts, but when I start to flesh them out I run into a problem. They either get too serious, could be taken as offensive, or my good little southern mama might disown me. Most of the really funny one’s fall under the last category. In you’re from the South, and your mama is still living, then every woman (even if you’re over 40 and a mama yourself) knows that when your mama ain’t happy then ain’t nooo body happy. Trust me- I still strive to make my mama happy. My mama’s dispensing guilt gene is unparalleled. She can dispense guilt with just a glance -she doesn’t even require speaking. I think there’s a super power in there somewhere and I just pray mine develops.
What’s funny about my mama is her super power can cross generations. My parasites are much more scared of disappointing “NA NA” they they have ever been of me. They play a good game of pretending to be scared of me, but the reality in this family is that NA NA holds all the cards! I spend most of my time just trying to keep them fed, bathed, in clean cloths, continuing good grades, driving to practices, trying to keep them out of prison, and avoiding letting them kill themselves with stupid behavior (Just the later is a full time job as they get older). NA NA on the other hand actually has the patience and time to teach them respect for themselves and others. I used to feel a little jealous, but then I realized there is something comforting when my daughter comes out and says “Oh no- I can’t wear that- NA NA would have a heart attack right then and there” or the boys inform me “I need a suit coat and a tie for that wedding or funeral or NA NA will disown me” It sure does make my life easier!
As I look back over my life now I am starting to understand many things in my upbringing and why my children fear and respect NA NA so much.
Now part of being really (and I mean REALLY) Southern is growing up in extremely large extended families. Now in the south related can mean anywhere from 1st cousin to 27th cousin or 1st cousin 26th removed for those from other parts. We grow up playing with, spending time at family reunions and church with these people regularly. These are all considered family and if your mama is from the south she can tell ya every generation. Hell- I’ve got some my mama can tell me how I’m related to them twice on two different sides in generations that are 7 apart. A southern mama’s memory is long and very very scary! That’s why southern women spend so much time at the funeral home and making dinners- they are related to everyone.
Because of this closeness to family, most of us don’t move real far. When I grew up I lived next to my grandparents and the very next house up was my great grand parents. Now most think that’s CRAZY, but in the south it’s completely normal and sometimes even expected. Believe it or not- almost all of my friends lived in very similar situations. If it wasn’t next door it was no more than 1/2 a mile away from their grandparents. My great grandparents got me off the bus. I spent every afternoon with them hearing stories and learning all sorts of things. I can tell you county and family history now with the best of them. I can wash cloths in a wash tub, prepare a chicken from alive to the table, grow vegetables, cook fried okra, and mend a shirt. I refuse to do any of these things, but by-god I’m southern and I can! We’ve been doing that “It takes a village” thing for generations and we take it seriously!
There’s an old saying that you should give your children roots so they know where they come from and wings so they are confident enough to fly away from the nest. Our mothers give us both, but due to the guilt super power our mothers possess and being surrounded by family our roots stretch- oh 27 generations deep. Our wings are large and they usually let us fly away for a little while or roughly until our own little birds start to fill up our own nest and then amazingly we start looking at houses that are back close to mama. Our wings are strong, but getting roots like that out of the ground just requires more strength than Hercules much less our poor little wings. The roots seem to get longer once we have our own smaller birds in tow. Some do pull it off, but don’t be fooled- those children of southern mama’s still call almost every day.
I am completely southern so as usual when the first parasite began to show in my belly the immediate draw home began. I had spent 30 years trying to get away, but there I was 8 months pregnant and waddling moving in next door. The draw home was powerful. I felt like Odysseus listened to the Sirens song. I had no idea what this sudden urge for my mama and my family land was all about or even who I was anymore. I felt like Scarlet saying “I know- I’ll go home to the red earth of Tara” Who was I? What strong woman does this anymore? Why do I not want to be on my own? Do I think I am not capable? Am I weak?
As I pondered these questions I looked around and thought about all the things I learned in my grandmothers and great grand mothers house’s and smiled. I had learned respect for my elders, respect for myself, respect for other people, love of family, to relax and see the comedy and beauty of life, and that roots are good and powerful. The largest and strongest tree’s have the deepest roots. I wasn’t weak I came from something stronger than myself. I came from a huge strong tree and I was about to help it form new branches and those branches spirits needed to be fed in order for them to develop and be strong. I couldn’t nor did I want to do it alone. The parasites needed a NA NA.
There’s an old saying in the south when you are doing something your ancestors wouldn’t approve of “your granny (or grandfather) is rolling over in their graves” I have done a lot in my life to make my granny roll over in her grave, but bringing the parasites home to raise I’m pretty sure made her smirk and dance a little jig. I just hope the Red Earth of Tara and Na Na can help me keep them from making my granny do somersaults. 🙂
SEE ALL THE EVIL, HEAR ALL THE EVIL, AND SPEAK THE TRUTH
Today I was sitting eating lunch and there was a cute little picture above the table with a couple of toads. These three cute little toads were arranged side by side and one was covering his eyes, one was covering his ears, and one was covering his mouth. It started me thinking about the saying- See no evil, hear no evil, and speak no evil. This is a great concept we should all strive for, but is it really practical or even remotely possible.
I decided to spend the afternoon trying to accomplish this monumental task.
When my youngest parasite came home and decided to play ball in the house- I covered my eyes and walked away. When I heard the lamp break from the other room – I covered my ears. When I came out and saw the mess – I just covered my mouth before I could let my normal loving caring words toward my little nightmare slip out. Now so far I am impressed with my new found super abilities so I decide to keep it up.
When the oldest parasite came home I went down to his room to check on his day – because as we all know teenager boys love to talk to their mothers. When I saw his dinner plate from last nights dinner still on his bedroom floor- I covered my eyes and walked away. When I heard the strangers bad language coming out of his computer game speakers – I covered my ears. When I went down to say goodnight and the dinner plate was STILL sitting on his floor, I covered my mouth in order to avoid sharing more of the bad language with him he had heard earlier.
Now I am incredibly proud of myself so I think it’s a great idea to continue. When my middle parasite gets home and I notice her shorts are entirely too short and her shirt is showing more cleavage than I even have- I covered my eyes. When I hear song lyrics coming out of her room which are degrading to women I just cover my ears and when she over steps her bounds and her mouth smarts off to me- I just cover my mouth in order to not yell back or punish her.
Then a little thing hits me- What the HELL am I doing??? You can’t parent and EVER live up to those ideals.
See no evil?? You better keep your eyes wide open and look for the evil even if it’s not there. They are kids and their brains aren’t developed to the extent of yours. They don’t see evil and are counting on you to see the evil and protect them and steer them in safe directions. If you don’t see the evil – trust me they won’t.
Hear no evil?? You better keep your ears as open as your eyes. Listen to the parasites! Spend one on one time with them- even when they do their best to avoid. If you listen they will, in their own ways, tell you about the evils they are facing. They usually crave direction when they are confused. Let them tell you and work with them to avoid the evils.
Speak no evil? Now this one is the most tricky and the one most parents have difficulty. This is the one that is more like a tight rope. You don’t want to teach them to be judgmental, but you also want to teach them. You do not want to be degrading, but make sure they know they don’t know everything yet. Let’s just clarify here that punishment is not evil. Punishment for bad behavior is a protective maneuver. Neither is teaching them the age old saying “Fly with the crows – get shot with the crows” or Lay down with dogs and you’re gonna get fleas” You aren’t being judgmental- you are being protective. Let’s face it- the statements are true.
So after my day of striving to See no evil, Hear no evil, and Speaking no evil the only thing I’ve learned is it might work with strangers, but it certainly shouldn’t be implemented as a parenting style. So I’m going to change it to SEE ALL THE EVIL, HEAR ALL THE EVIL, AND SPEAK THE TRUTH!
Damn the Torpedo’s
Aside Posted on Updated on
I’m having a crisis of conscience.
I come from a very long line of what I call “Southern Church Women”. If you are from the south you know many of these God fearing women. They are at the church every time the doors are open, pray for everyone daily, make food for everyone for any little issue, know their hairdressers entire family tree, and have their own permanent seat in every grieving room at the funeral home. They also have the scariest “misbehaving in church face” known to man. They can make an entire row of teenagers behave with a mere glance. They have made more Gospel Bird (fried chicken for those not from the south) and casseroles for other people in their lives than most women have cooked dinner for their own family.
What’s even more fascinating about these women is their complete knowledge of their church family and their lives. These women know more information about what’s going in the church family than many do their own husbands. Trust me- the US government doesn’t need to fund the NSA, FBI, or CIA- they just need to turn loose 5 Southern church women in every church and mosque in the US. Within a week they will know everyone’s name, children’s names, family lineage, rough income, and absolutely everything going on in that family and all of it’s dynamics.
Because of this ability they are usually accused and considered gossips. In our world today of keeping everything close to the vest- gossiping has gotten a bad wrap. Gossips are considered nosy busy bodies who are just trying to be in everyone’s business. In these women’s defense they aren’t really, nor do they consider they are, gossiping – they are just trying to figure out exactly who they should lift up (that means pray to those of you not familiar with the lingo) to God that day. I’m pretty sure if you’re not being lifted up by at least 2 southern church women a week you can’t get past St Peter into Heaven. St Peter will say “Oh- I’m sorry Sally- We only take admittance after you have had 3 casseroles made and 7 prayers said from Ms. Wallace” I have had three babies (yes that gets you food too) and used to misbehave regularly in my youth so I am pretty sure I have me my quota with at least 10 women now so I should be covered. Phew!!
The reason these women know everything, cook casseroles, pray daily, and show up at the funeral home regularly is there best quality of all. They take care of each other and everyone else if you will let them. If they know something about you or your family member that could be disruptive they will usually just tell you the truth – even when it’s not pleasant. Because they seem so sweet most people think they would never say anything that might hurt you, but the truth is sugar coating just isn’t in their wheel house. Now I am by no means saying they will ever hurt you on purpose- that’s never their intent. There intent is to help you. They just never got the memo on how to tell you bad news with a buffer. They typically raise their children with a mentality of “yes it’s gonna hurt- just pull the band-aid off anyway” so that’s how they give info. There’s no build to it, there’s not sandwiching (good,bad,good) they just pull the band-aid off and damn the torpedo’s.
So – back to by crisis of conscience. Because I was raised this way I have a tendency to feel the same. Now, much to my mothers heart break, I did not get the show up at church every time the doors are open gene (I get lifted up a lot) and I haven’t picked out my funeral home seat yet. However, I did get the cooking people dinner gene and the worst one of all – I feel I should tell them gene. Now most of the time it’s OK because I try not to know much information. I have learned on most occasions that ignorance is bliss. With the parasites getting older and into their teenage years I am learning now that I know much more information that I am really prepared or want to know. I get a lot of “Mom- did you see this tweet or MOM- can you believe they did this?” concerning other teenage behavior. Teenagers have a tendency to not be so bright – so- the question of the hour is do you tell the people that care about these other teenagers or not?
HMMMM- it’s a hard question. Since I have always just had the band aid ripped off- I would always want to know if it was mine. I am fully aware they are teenagers and are going to do stupid things. I want to be able to guide them through the trials of teenage stupidity with preferably as much information on their stupidity as possible. I usually wish I could live the ostrich life and hide my head in the sand, but I just can’t get my head in that tiny little hole. I feel I should tell these other parents, but do I want to be labeled as that busy body who is invading their space? I don’t feel like I am invading their space- I just care about them and do not want to see them hurt, but the world has changed so much and usually kids are in control. We talk a lot about “it takes a village”, but most parents don’t really want the village in their business.
In the world I was raised if I had done anything even remotely near the things I am seeing and hearing my mama would of known within mere minutes. Those good ole church women would of told her and damned the torpedo’s. She would of given me the misbehaving in church look, handled the stupidity with a firm hand, and I would of been all the better for it.
Oh for the days!!!!
Who Exactly Is They??
The other day I was relaxing with a few girlfriends over a glass (or bottles) of wine. We were talking about life and we started to get a little philosophical. The conversation was riveting or maybe it was just the wine. We were talking about marriage, the challenges of raising our little rascals, work, money and growing older. During our talks one of us made the statement “Well ya know what they always say about that” and it got me thinking of the most important question of all- Who the hell is “They”?
I had said this simple statement many times in my life without ever really thinking about it much. “Ya know what they say…”, “Everyone says they said so” or “They say you can’t do that” Who gave “They” all the power? Are they the politicians? Are they the educators? Are they the CEO’s? Are they the media? Are they the preachers or are “they” just something we all made up to convince ourselves of what we already believe anyway? Did we just make up “they” so we would stay in our own box and behave?
What’s great about “they” is we can make it anything we want. We can use it in a debate to try to sway people over to our beliefs. They implies “many” which means we aren’t alone so we must be right. We can use it to justify our behavior. Obviously if many says it’s O.K. then it must be a grand idea. We can use it to tell people their behavior is bad. If many believe it’s bad then it must be horrid.
The funny part about “they” is that in reality there is a “they” for every reason or every cause known to man. Since there are billions of people on the planet there is a “they” for everything. With so many humans running around with our (what they call) large brains, it’s pretty ridiculous to believe that any of us every really have a novel or new thought. There’s probably some bored woman in China writing this same blog right now. Now I’m not saying that’s not scary- cuz trust me- the idea of anyone out there with a brain as twisted as mine is even petrifying to me, but it’s probably true. Y’all are just lucky and can’t read Mandarin.
After thinking about “THEY” for a while I’ve decided the most important thing to know about “they” is it’s just an illusion. Don’t listen to “they”- listen to yourself and know there are other people out there just as normal or nuts as you. Some of “they” won’t like you and some of “they” will love you, but the best part of all is most of “they” won’t really care either way.
Banana’s in Pajama’s
This morning was a typical Saturday morning. I woke up, made coffee, got a cup, turned the TV on and sat down to have a few seconds of peace. As usual these brief seconds of peace were quickly interrupted by- husband stumbling out with barking dog in tow, pet bird in cage singing loudly, boy teenagers saying I’m hungry, my daughter asking why the sky is blue and 15 other philosophical questions it’s too early for, and the doorbell ringing with 3 other neighborhood children asking if someone can come out and play. This insanity seems to be my life. My favorite part is when the husband looks at me confused (as if it’s not every Saturday) and says “This place is banana’s?” Being the smart ass I am I always come back with my wonderful singing rendition of the old children’s show theme song of “Banana’s in Pajama’s are coming down the stairs….”
This morning it hit me for the first time. I had forgotten most of the words!! This hit me like a ton of bricks. My parasites are growing up. I spent so many years watching Nickelodeon, Disney Channel, and PBS that I had every theme song memorized. There were many nights that we put the kids down at 9 and at 10 pm the hubby and I would look at each other lovingly and say “Why are we still watching Wizards of Waverly Place?” I like Selena Gomez and all, but sometimes adult TV is just in order.
Now this morning when I had this epiphany – I decided to see how many of these wonderful catchy theme songs I could remember. I got in the shower and tried to remember Caillou. With my oldest I was forced to endure Caillou for a minimum of 3 hours a day for a minimum of 2 years. I knew every word and sang along lovingly for years. I could only remember the first stanza. So I sang “I’m just a kid who’s four, Each day I grow some more” and then it hit me again- nothing. I went to get dressed and tried to sing Bob the Builder and then Thomas the Train and again nothing. What had happened to me??
I can still remember every word to the Big Mac song and most every jingle that was ever written in the 80’s so why couldn’t I remember these precious memories from the parasites childhood?? Had it really been that long? Is my brain so full of useless knowledge that I can only remember my childhood useless knowledge and not theirs? Will I soon forget how they looked or the cute and funny things they said? Now I am reeling from this strange realization and my eyes begin to fill with tears. I am devastated thinking how could any mother forget such things. I must be a failure.
About the time I am about to lose it and sit and have a good cry the insanity begins again. Suddenly I am bombarded with questions, accusations, and innuendos. Mom- what do we have to eat? Mom- I don’t have any clean socks. Mom- Where did you hide my hoodie? Honey, where is the coffee? Mom- Johnny hit me in the balls. Mom- Are you almost done? Mom, Honey, mom, honey question question question!!
Then it hits me – I haven’t forgotten their childhoods. I can’t remember the theme songs because I just don’t have room in my brain anymore from trying to keep up with where they are supposed to be, where they have hidden their cloths from themselves, finding the food they can’t find that is on the refrigerator door and so on.
About this time I started to sing the circus theme song with all the do do doodle do… etc. I still got that one down perfect!!
And I Thought It Was Just A Normal Day?
I woke up this morning and was convinced it was just another Friday. I woke up the kids, sent them to school and sat down to drink my coffee before starting my very normal crazy work day. As I flipped through the TV I learned it was a double holiday. I had NO idea I was missing out on another one of these made up useless holidays, much less a two for one. This one is even more confusing than the made up Hallmark Holiday of Valentines Day is to men.
Today is National PI Day and International Sleep Day. Now you did read correctly – I said National Pi Day, I could understand National Pie Day or even National Hug an Engineer Day, but PI. How is one supposed to celebrate a number- Much less a non whole number? How exactly do you celebrate 3.14159? Do we sing “Jenny- I’ve got your number” and change the lyrics to 3.14159, do we eat 3.14159 percent of a pie, do we just get the calculator out and just do random math problems?? I am so confused!!
Adding in International Sleep Day to this made up holiday does help me make sense of this- a little. I understand sleep and especially the fact I never get enough. I KNOW how to celebrate sleep!! It consists of curling up in sweats, crawling in my bed, closing my eyes, and yelling to the kids “I SAID BE QUITE- I AM TRYING TO TAKE A NAP” a hundred times. I understand how to celebrate sleep, but my little darling parasites seem to have been confused on mommy sleep celebrations since before coming out of the womb.
I have decided the best thing we can do when the world throws us ridiculous holidays is to roll with it now. Especially when they make it two-fer. I am going to get in my sweats, crawl in my bed with the calculator, do some random math, and take a 3.14159 day nap. See ya St Paddy’s Day while I pick a four leaf clover and drink green beer!!
The Child Did What??
I really do have an evil streak and have always loved making people a little nervous. When it comes to involving my children I find it even more amusing. I bet you think I’m talking about turning into the MAMA BEAR and protecting the little A-holes and scaring people who are responsible for them. What would be the fun in that? Everybody seems to be doing that today- even at the expense of common sense. Any adult that calls, concerning your kids today, is so nervous you can basically hear the shaking over the phone. We all know “THAT” parent “Yes Mr Principle I am sure you think you saw my little Johnny do that, but that just is not possible because he just wouldn’t of and he told me he didn’t and if you think you are going to punish him I’ll go above your head” I really wish principles could say “Yes- you dumb ass parent, just because I saw him do it obviously doesn’t mean he’s lying to you either” Well- I guess you all know why I’m not a teacher or administrator now.
I like doing it a little differently. Differently isn’t the right word- opposite is more correct. I learned this skill from my father who when he took me to school the first day handed his hand to my teacher to shake, introduced me and said “If she misbehaves in any way and you are forced to punish her please let me know and she will get three times that punishment at home.” Needless to say- that at home thing was waaay scarier than anything that sweet woman in front of me could do so I wasn’t getting in trouble.
I love making today’s educators a little scared I may hurt my own parasites. Trust me the reactions are priceless cause it’s so not what they are expecting. The poor school nurses who are tasked to call parents every time one of our little darlings does anything dumb or even remotely gets a boo boo have it the worst. I have abused these poor women unmercifully for years. Trust me I think they have me on speed dial and a heart around the last day one of mine will be in their school. My favorite was when my darling daughter was 5 and she brilliantly wadded up a sticker and promptly shoved it in her ear. The following nurse conversation went something like this:
Nurse- Ms Ross- typical long pause because of shaking
Me: Yes
Nurse: This is Nurse Ratchet at the elementary school and Sally has a sticker in her ear
Me: A What?
Nurse: A Sticker and it is so far down in her ear she is going to have to go the doctor to have it removed
Me: Excuse me? She DID WHAT??
Nurse: She has a sticker stuck in her ear
Me: PUT THE BRILLIANT CHILD ON THE PHONE- tone loaded with sarcasm
Nurse: Ms Ross she is going to need to go to the Doctor
Me: Yes I GET that, but please PUT THE CHILD ON THE PHONE
Nurse: Are you sure?
Me: Yes, unless I have another child in your office who was dumb enough to shove a sticker down their ear- again tone loaded with sarcasm
Nurse: Giggling now- OK
I have spent many a day on the phone with the elementary school nurse for one dumb child maneuver or another for 10 years. Our conversations are always similar. She starts out all nervous because she believes I may be upset because my little dumbo Johnny hit his head on his desk and me asking- Does he look hurt? No- well send him back to class. I guess there are parents out there that think by a teacher watching them and saying “No- please don’t do that” it will somehow work miraculously better than when they say it and he bumps his head anyway. I wish there was just some form I could sign in the nurses office that says:
Yes I understand they are children and they are clumsy and I give you permission to not call me with the exceptions of:
1) Profuse bleeding- stitches or very large bandage needed
2) Fever
3) Projectile vomiting
4) Obvious broken bone
5) Black Outs for no reason
6) Stupid action that requires doctor visit (Ya know you’ve gotta cover the brilliant sticker in the ear)
If none of the stated above applies I give you permission to wipe it off, put a band aid on it and send them back to class.
Now because of “THAT” parent I am sure I would have to sign it in blood for fear of legal action. “That” parent seems to believe that this building full of people who have dedicated their lives to children are really just a bunch of incompetent boob heads who know absolutely nothing about our little darlings. I’m sure my telecommunications background definitely qualifies me to know more of how to treat little Susie’s injury from falling on the playground and skinning her knee than the trained nurse in that office.
I’m telling you the next time the school calls for injury or especially disciplinary actions- try living in a reality where little Johnny isn’t perfect. Actually act like you have respect for the adult on the other end of the phone and say “THE CHILD DID WHAT??” This causes pregnant pauses of confusion while their brains catch up to understanding this long ago behavior. Trust me- if you have an evil streak and like to make people uncomfortable- just act like a parent.
It’s Not About Me!!
Before I start this blog on marriage I probably should give it a warning. If you don’t have a sense of humor, get offended easily or in general think your shit doesn’t stink, I would strongly suggest you stop reading now. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna insult all men and women equally. I don’t think you can write anything on marriage without offending someone so – honey I’m apologizing early.
Now I am going to preface this with saying my husband and I both come from a long line of parents, grandparents, great grandparents that stayed married through good times and bad- sometimes even when I’m not sure they should have. I am not by any means going to say there are never valid reasons to get the heck out. There are always valid reasons to get out. Everything I’m going to say takes both parties and no one can do it all alone. I just sometimes think our society has started to believe that people and relationships are disposable. We believe everything is disposable so why not people and why not relationships? Sometimes it just seems easier to quit than to figure it out. What I am going to say is there are usually more reasons to stay than to go if you are willing to see past – It’s all about me!!
Here are a few things I’ve learned
1) If you don’t think they are the best thing since sliced bread and you have any doubts- DON’T GET MARRIED
I know this seems a little harsh, but I promise you if you don’t both believe, down to your bones, that this man or woman is the best thing that God ever put together and placed them on the planet to make you happy before you get married- don’t do it- cuz I promise you it ain’t gonna get any better. That ole saying of “The most difficult years of marriage or those following the wedding” isn’t a lie. The happiest you will ever be is dating- so if you’re not deliriously happy at the site of each other before the wedding- 5 years in the site of them may make you want to commit Hari-Kari. Heck- you still may want to smother them with a pillow at 5 years in, but the memory of the stomach butterflies will keep you from doing the deed. Now there is a difference in normal wedding jitters and doubts. Normal wedding jitters is “I don’t wanna go because of all the people staring at me” or “what if he doesn’t feel the same way about me” Real Doubts are “I really don’t think they are the one” If you or a friend ever says that – get the car and speed away from the church as fast as possible. I mean do the best Julia Roberts run away bride impersonation you can. If you don’t- just be prepared in 5 years to talk yourself or them off the ledge during divorce.
2) Don’t Over Think It
That book “Men are from Mars/ Women are from Venus” is right on!! I consider myself lucky because I had a lot of guy friends when I was in my teens and twenties. When guys are just your friends you learn more sometimes than when you’re dating. Now I wouldn’t say being taught every derogatory term for women was lucky, but it has served me well at times. I always loved working in sales offices with men who would be talking about their weekend and assuming that no female would “get” their conversations. If I joined in their faces were classic and there was a lot- “that’s just not fair”. Male friends talk to you and give you insights into what’s actually going on in their brains during a relationship. You know what ladies- if it’s going good- there’s not a whole lot of thinking about it going on at all. They have quick epiphanies and then go on about their business. The men who do over think things most women would rather run over with their car than listen to anyway. The only times men put some thought into it is when it’s NOT going well. If you really think about it – it’s probably pretty smart and we could learn something here. When a relationship is good- don’t try to over think it and make it bad- just roll with it and be happy. Everyone moves at their own pace in a relationship or marriage. If you push or try to move someone beyond their own pace- it causes over thinking. Over thinking has a way of popping in bad ideas when you were perfectly happy to start. There will be enough stuff to truly argue about -(who is taking to practice tonight, who is changing the diaper, who is doing the 2 am feeding, who is getting the parasite up at 5:30 for extra football) Learn to let the little stuff go! Does it really matter if he forgot your birthday as long as he cooks dinner- probably not?
3) Get Over It
When you live with another human being it’s never pretty all the time. Did you like your siblings or parents every day? What makes you think you’re gonna like your spouse everyday? Trust me – you won’t!! Before you get married it is all sunshine and rainbows and you think it’s gonna stay that way. The reality is it’s more like sunshine and thunderstorms. It can be very similar to summer afternoon thunderstorms in the South. If you’ve ever experienced these it can be beautiful one minute and suddenly the sky is black, the wind is howling, lightening is popping, and it’s time to duck and cover. In marriage- the sunshine is where everything is going great – we’re in love, getting along, and life is good. The thunderstorm usually comes when someone feels slighted, gets their feelings hurt, or feels under appreciated. These usually aren’t on purpose by the other party- sometimes shit just happens. Then the yelling, crying, not speaking, punishing or however you do it starts After these thunderstorms pass there is usually a period where the sun is shining and it’s still raining. My granny always said “The devil’s beating his wife again” This is the most important time in any marriage. You poke your head out and see if it’s safe. How you both decide to handle the devil beating his wife period determines how you move forward. Believe it or not- that’s usually up to you. You can live bitter and choose to believe that the person meant to hurt you or forgive them and get over yourself and live happy.
4) We come before the children
I think this is one huge mistake many couple’s make after the children (or parasites) come along. We are taught as women that our children always come first. I have always gotten horrid looks and accusation because I dared to ask – why? Usually when I ask this question in a group the looks of shock crack me up. You would think I had just said I’m an atheist in the middle of prayer meeting. The last time I checked – I was here first and if I don’t at least semi take care of myself how in the world can I take care of them. If I need to sit on the deck and put in earphones for 30 minutes in order not to kill them- shouldn’t I be allowed? Second here was my marriage- aren’t we doing them a disservice if we don’t take care of our marriage so they will grow up seeing normal relationships interactions? Society keeps harping on me about being their roll model- shouldn’t a healthy relationship be part of that? Now- the relationship we show them isn’t always sunshine and roses- sometimes it’s cussing and shoe throwing. Aren’t those both parts of any relationship? What is wrong with saying to children- that have taken 80% of all of my time- “sorry- this is mommy and daddy time” and locking the door?? They ought to understand that when mommies and daddies stop wanted to spend “adult time” together and locking the door- that’s when they should worry. Happy mommy and daddies – lock the door!! They get their time and quite frankly we deserve ours.
5) Punishment is for Parenting
Punishment can only be dispensed in a relationship where one has power and the other is weaker. You can punish your children because basically you hold most of the cards. I have no problems explaining who is in control in that relationship daily to the parasites. In that relationship- mama is queen and daddy is king!! Marriage aught to be a relationship of equals. Now I’m not saying that the distributions of labor, money etc is always equal- cuz it’s not. Mama’s will typically do most of the baby stuff- not because we want to or they don’t want too- we are just wired that way. Every marriage has their own distributions of labor and as long as both parties can deal- none are wrong. I don’t care and no one else should care how you divide it up- as long as you’re happy. What I mean by equal is RESPECT. Aretha had it right when she sang R.E.S.P.E.C.T. In a marriage you each need to respect what each other does and brings to the relationship. Each of you have your strengths and weaknesses and if you did it right you balance each other well. Just because one works and one takes care of the house and kids doesn’t mean one is more important than the other. Truth is- the world would fall apart without either. Watch a parent who is married while one goes out of town for a week- It’s hysterical as they suddenly try to do everything. I have friends that I respect tremendously that are single parents and do it everyday. I would rather overlook a bunch and suck up my pride some days than EVER be left alone with the children!! I’m like grandpa in that commercial “please don’t leave us with the babies” You could say- I respect him just for being here. I have known many a couple that live in a permanent state of punishing each other. She cuts him off so he misbehaves. He misbehaves so she cuts him off and the spiral continues. Spirals have an evil way of turning into black holes of abyss where there is no escape. I may just may be lazy and selfish though because I have never seen a reason to punish myself for his bad behavior.
6) You don’t have to be my everything
I never want anyone to tell me I’m they’re whole world nor do I ever want anyone to be mine. One that’s waaay too much pressure and two I can barely be my own world- much less yours. I’ll be glad to walk with you through life, but for gods sake don’t make me responsible. Why do some people think that there is only one person that’s the end all and be all of your life? We both had lives before we met which were full and fun- we should each enhance those lives – not take them over. Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. If your partner isn’t the best listener about certain issue’s- get a friend who is. Hell- get one for everyone of your partners weaknesses- you might survive.
7) Just Tell Them What You Want
There is a little trick my great grandma taught me about human behavior and it’s true for love too. If you pay attention- a person’s actions will show you who they are deep down. Humans have a tendency to project onto others their own thoughts and needs. If you’ve ever dated a very jealous partner, who you have never given a reason, chances are they themselves are a player. The trick to why they are jealous is because part of how they justify their behavior in their own brain is to say everyone does it so you must be too. Now love is very similar. We as humans typically show our love to our partners the way we ourselves want to be loved. The trick is to watch, learn and listen to what your partner is teaching you. Now- Women typically have it easier in this arena. Women- bare with me before your heads explode. Men have a tendency to tie up intimacy, love, appreciation and affection all into one general area- sex. Women can spend 10 minutes (ok 3 for some) and your partner come away feeling loved and appreciated. Punish them with none and you are basically telling them you do not love them. The last time I checked – telling someone you care about you don’t love them or care about their needs is just mean! Now women are a little more complicated and their needs could be many things. They could see love in lots of things from cuddle time, listening time, to you taking the trash out. I believe in just tell em what it is!! Don’t try hints and don’t try implying – just tell your partner what you need and why. If ya did good and married well- they’ll try their little best to make you happy. They may not always succeed, but the effort is over half the battle.
The real thing I’ve learned from watching marriages that have lasted from 5 to 50 years is that both partners usually have the ability to say and believe – It’s not all about me. They see the big picture and go through the up and down roller coaster called marriage understanding- my mama’s favorite saying- this too shall pass. The amazing thing is it usually does.
I’m on the phone!!
When I was a child we lived in, what was then, a pretty rural area. I grew up next door to my Grandparents and my Great Grandparents. I come from one of those good ole southern families that everyone you’re related to lived or still lives within a 20 mile radius. Our Palm Sunday family reunions (which is a family from 3 generations back) still has almost 100 people a year. Mainly cuz it’s always easy to drive about 1/2 mile down the road.
Now because we lived in a rural area growing up my Grandma had a party line. For those of you youngin’s who have never heard of a party line- let me explain. A party line was a phone line that was shared by many houses. Everybody had a phone, but not only did you have to wait for people to get off the phone in your own house, but also about 5 of your neighbors. Every home had the “phone table” in a public place, because every phone had to have a jack (and those babies were expensive). If you picked up the line in your house and your neighbor was on the phone you could hear their conversations. Needless to say this was a point of many a nights of endless gossip for southern women drinking sweet tea and snapping beans. It is also the origin of “I’m on the phone” This statement started off innocently enough to let you people know you were using the device at that particular moment.
The next generation of the phone was much easier device with push buttons and long cords and were actually private to each house. My house actually had two lines so we were living in high cotton. The jacks became less expensive so we put these wonder devices in every room. I even knew people that placed them in the bathroom right next to the throne. Nothing like bullshit coming out of both ends! 🙂 We thought these long cords were the best invention ever as a teenager. They allowed for much more privacy. I could take the phone into my room or a closet and talk (or whisper) for hours and hours. Our parents would stick their head in and we would say in a very annoyed tone- “I’m on the phone” Teenagers and phones were inseparable and parents all over the land hung their head in despair and thought they had lost their children forever.
The phone transformed again in my 20’s. We now had cordless phones. These developed before my parasites came along.. These phones were AMAZING. I could take them in to any room with or without a phone jack. I could even take them outside. These were essential to my survival with three young children. When I had two children in my lap crying at 2 am, my husband was snoring, and I really needed my mom- I could call her for help or at least see if she knew the number for a wandering band of gypsies to come buy them. I think I called her for that number several times, but she always convinced me that I would have to give a refund so what was the point.
As they grew we got this new and amazing invention. They were originally called a cellular phone or cell phone. It could be used anywhere. In the car or in the woods you were always accessible. The best part was I could now hide from the parasites on occasion and actually finish a conversation with a friend I hadn’t been able to complete for at least 3 years. My conversations for years had gone something like this:
Me: Hey -How are you?
Friend:- Fine- How are you?
Me: Bobby get your sisters diaper off your head and back on her!! Oh I’m fine
Friend: Good – How are the kids?
Me: No- I said now- get her diaper off your head!! Oh they’re great! How was your vacation?
Friend: Vacation was great- We spent two weeks on a yacht in the Caribbean. It was beautiful and the snorkeling was fantastic
Me: Oh that sounds wonderful! Crap- I’ve got to go Sally just stuck her finger up her brothers nose and now it looks like WWF in my living room.
After the invention of cell phones I could, just like in my teens, find nifty hiding places in my home to talk on the phone and have an actual adult conversation. I have hidden in closets under cloths, my car in the driveway, the bathroom, and outside in the woods. The woods seemed to be the best because the little detectives found me every where else. I think children can actually smell mother alone time like a hunter tracking prey. They can’t find their shoe’s laying in their bedroom floor, but they can find me hiding in the bottom of my closet under 3 layers of clothing to come find their shoe’s.
The one thing I am convinced of though is that once a mother picks up a phone it immediately becomes invisible to anyone else that lives in their home. It’s like a super power. They seem to be able to see it when it is laying on the counter, but put that baby up to a mothers ear and poof it’s gone! They suddenly come in and immediately start a conversation like there is nothing next to your face or your mouth isn’t moving at all.
Some days it seems like the only thing that hasn’t changed in my entire life is one phrase and it just gets more annoyed and louder. “I AM ON THE PHONE”
REDS WORLD TODAY 