Don’t Dumb Down the Toilet…….

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angry toilet

Every night the hubby and I participate in the what seems to be the only universal accepted American past time.  We sit in front of the boob tube (TV for those of you whose brain is still fully functional- mine has been turned into a mushy ball of fat from watching)  Well change that- we attempt to watch the boob tube.  Now that we have teenagers it is more of a word scramble where we attempt to hear every third word between the “Mom-I’m home’s, Mom- I need a ride to school early, Mom- Let me tell you what happened today, Moooooom, he farted on me, and the list goes on and on” They can go all day and only manage the simple words of “fine and yeah”, but attempt to do something  where they are not the center of attention and all hell will break loose post haste.

I remember the days fondly when they went to bed at 8 (o.k.- 9 – I was never super mom) and there was at least a few hours of adult time, but alas those days are gone and we are left with the only hope of ever getting those hours back in the highly anticipated empty nest and at the rate mine are progressing – I’ll probably die first.

Tonight while in the pursuit of the ever illusive third word I actually grabbed two in a row. (it was a commercial so there was no reason for them to talk at this point) The two words I grabbed though were tremendous.  My ears perked up. Apart these words are not special at all, nor would they of grabbed my attention.  These were two words that I had never ever thought about putting in the same sentence.  They were- get ready for it- “Intelligent Toilet”

To most people I’m sure these words don’t mean much, but to me they cause my brain to go into a tailspin. The face lights up and the idea’s start going faster than a roller coaster. After the initial look over at the man of my dreams and saying “Exactly what the heck is an Intelligent toilet” (well heck wasn’t the word, but my mama will be happy) followed by another 5 of the crazy idea’s in my head out loud-  the look on his face alone after the 5th said I needed to hush and go write it down.  The show was back on and he really would of liked to hear every third word at least.

The first thought I had after the initial “what the heck” was there must be a new definition of “intelligence” that everyone forgot to tell me about because……..


Exactly how “Intelligent” can a toilet be?  Scratch that- there are people with actual brains not much smarter than the average toilet

Does it talk to me?  If so, what would it say.  I’m imaging something along the lines of “Good morning – are you going to moon me again today?”  Can I set the voice to say anything I want?  That would be fun- I would set it to scream like a horror movie in the 16 year old’s bathroom every time you sat down or better yet say “Clean me” in an authoritative football coach voice.  Yes- that one mama likes!!

Is it perceptive and if so what does it perceive? If it’s who sits down by our weight- well let’s just say if it’s got a weight component you can keep or it’ll end up in the burn pit sitting right next to that horrid scale.  However; I might have to purchase if it can perceive a teenage boys is going to miss the bowl and move itself to catch it-  that would be a cool trick!!

Does it comprehend it’s own existence? If so – can you imagine how bitter it would be? There are humans running around extremely ornery who just perceive they’ve been shit on- this thing would be miserable.

Does it read and learn?   That’s a scary thought and all I can see are millions of Americans everywhere running to the “water closet” to hurry and change out their reading material in order to not “dumb down” the toilet.


I finally decided google was in order- I just had to know what makes a toilet “intelligent” It sadly doesn’t talk. Which is a shame because that little gift to my family would of been fun!! I was impressed -let me tell you this thing lights up, warms your tush, washes you and even cleans itself and it does all this for some crazy astronomical number that if I actually bought would mean I had more money than sense.

So there you have it folks –  the new definition of “intelligence” – being able to warm your ass and cleaning yourself after a shit.  That sure does puts a whole lot of people back in the intelligent quadrant of society- who knew??  Who needs a college education?  I got this licked – or dried!!  (Yep it does that too)

It makes me curious what’s coming down the pike next.  I don’t know about you but I’m holding out for the “brilliant” box of rocks…………














Who Exactly Is They??

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The other day I was relaxing with a few girlfriends over a glass (or bottles) of wine.  We were talking about life and we started to get a little philosophical.   The conversation was riveting or maybe it was just the wine.  We were talking about marriage, the challenges of raising our little rascals, work, money and growing older.  During our talks one of us made the statement “Well ya know what they always say about that” and it got me thinking of the most important question of all- Who the hell is “They”?

I had said this simple statement many times in my life without ever really thinking about it much. “Ya know what they say…”, “Everyone says they said so” or “They say you can’t do that”   Who gave “They” all the power? Are they the politicians? Are they the educators? Are they the CEO’s? Are they the media? Are they the preachers or are “they” just something we all made up to convince ourselves of what we already believe anyway? Did we just make up “they” so we would stay in our own box and behave?

What’s great about “they” is we can make it anything we want.  We can use it in a debate to try to sway people over to our beliefs. They implies “many” which means we aren’t alone so we must be right.  We can use it to justify our behavior.  Obviously if many says it’s O.K. then it must be a grand idea. We can use it to tell people their behavior is bad.  If many believe it’s bad then it must be horrid.

The funny part about “they” is that in reality there is a “they” for every reason or every cause known to man.  Since there are billions of people on the planet there is a “they” for everything.  With so many humans running around with our (what they call) large brains, it’s pretty ridiculous to believe that any of us every really have a novel or new thought. There’s probably some bored woman in China writing this same blog right now.  Now I’m not saying that’s not scary- cuz trust me- the idea of anyone out there with a brain as twisted as mine is even petrifying to me, but it’s probably true.  Y’all are just lucky and can’t read Mandarin.

After thinking about “THEY” for a while I’ve decided the most important thing to know about “they” is it’s just an illusion. Don’t listen to “they”- listen to yourself and know there are other people out there just as normal or nuts as you. Some of “they” won’t like you and some of “they” will love you, but the best part of all is most of “they” won’t really care either way.