Month: April 2016
Don’t Dumb Down the Toilet…….
Every night the hubby and I participate in the what seems to be the only universal accepted American past time. We sit in front of the boob tube (TV for those of you whose brain is still fully functional- mine has been turned into a mushy ball of fat from watching) Well change that- we attempt to watch the boob tube. Now that we have teenagers it is more of a word scramble where we attempt to hear every third word between the “Mom-I’m home’s, Mom- I need a ride to school early, Mom- Let me tell you what happened today, Moooooom, he farted on me, and the list goes on and on” They can go all day and only manage the simple words of “fine and yeah”, but attempt to do something where they are not the center of attention and all hell will break loose post haste.
I remember the days fondly when they went to bed at 8 (o.k.- 9 – I was never super mom) and there was at least a few hours of adult time, but alas those days are gone and we are left with the only hope of ever getting those hours back in the highly anticipated empty nest and at the rate mine are progressing – I’ll probably die first.
Tonight while in the pursuit of the ever illusive third word I actually grabbed two in a row. (it was a commercial so there was no reason for them to talk at this point) The two words I grabbed though were tremendous. My ears perked up. Apart these words are not special at all, nor would they of grabbed my attention. These were two words that I had never ever thought about putting in the same sentence. They were- get ready for it- “Intelligent Toilet”
To most people I’m sure these words don’t mean much, but to me they cause my brain to go into a tailspin. The face lights up and the idea’s start going faster than a roller coaster. After the initial look over at the man of my dreams and saying “Exactly what the heck is an Intelligent toilet” (well heck wasn’t the word, but my mama will be happy) followed by another 5 of the crazy idea’s in my head out loud- the look on his face alone after the 5th said I needed to hush and go write it down. The show was back on and he really would of liked to hear every third word at least.
The first thought I had after the initial “what the heck” was there must be a new definition of “intelligence” that everyone forgot to tell me about because……..
Exactly how “Intelligent” can a toilet be? Scratch that- there are people with actual brains not much smarter than the average toilet
Does it talk to me? If so, what would it say. I’m imaging something along the lines of “Good morning – are you going to moon me again today?” Can I set the voice to say anything I want? That would be fun- I would set it to scream like a horror movie in the 16 year old’s bathroom every time you sat down or better yet say “Clean me” in an authoritative football coach voice. Yes- that one mama likes!!
Is it perceptive and if so what does it perceive? If it’s who sits down by our weight- well let’s just say if it’s got a weight component you can keep or it’ll end up in the burn pit sitting right next to that horrid scale. However; I might have to purchase if it can perceive a teenage boys is going to miss the bowl and move itself to catch it- that would be a cool trick!!
Does it comprehend it’s own existence? If so – can you imagine how bitter it would be? There are humans running around extremely ornery who just perceive they’ve been shit on- this thing would be miserable.
Does it read and learn? That’s a scary thought and all I can see are millions of Americans everywhere running to the “water closet” to hurry and change out their reading material in order to not “dumb down” the toilet.
I finally decided google was in order- I just had to know what makes a toilet “intelligent” It sadly doesn’t talk. Which is a shame because that little gift to my family would of been fun!! I was impressed -let me tell you this thing lights up, warms your tush, washes you and even cleans itself and it does all this for some crazy astronomical number that if I actually bought would mean I had more money than sense.
So there you have it folks – the new definition of “intelligence” – being able to warm your ass and cleaning yourself after a shit. That sure does puts a whole lot of people back in the intelligent quadrant of society- who knew?? Who needs a college education? I got this licked – or dried!! (Yep it does that too)
It makes me curious what’s coming down the pike next. I don’t know about you but I’m holding out for the “brilliant” box of rocks…………
The Big Black Hole………
As I age, I am more convinced than ever that the basic human condition really all comes down to a few things. We all ride around on this big ole blue ball named Earth, circling the sun, which in turn is circling a big black hole (just the term “big black hole” is almost as scary as the monkey bats in Wizard of Oz) Just think about that – a giant hole which sucks you in and nothing, including light, can escape. The only thing I can think of to compare to that in the real world is maybe my laundry room. That evil place in every home that sucks you in and if your not careful will bury you in dirty towels and underwear never to be seen from again. If you don’t have teenage boys you might not truly understand the fear of being buried in dirty underwear, but trust me here- it’t terrifying!!
Oops- rambling again…. Back to the human condition or at least my opinion on the subject (yes I know all about opinions and assholes so I guess you can say “I’m showing mine”) 🙂
So we are all riding around in this cosmic beach ball party trying to figure out in the simplest of terms “why and how long” we are here.
What I find fascinating about humans is the abundance of ways we come to justify the “why” Our answers to the why are as diverse as our skin color, origin, etc etc (basically any of those things covered in the “don’t be an asshole” amendment) We need the “why”! Having a justification of our existence seems to be the only thing that makes sense of the daily drudgery of getting out of bed (much less getting dressed). There just has to be a reason- it can’t all be for naught. We need a purpose, we need a direction (some seem to be going in a circle, but that’s a whole different blog), we need a basic rationale to keep floating around the universe.
In my experience, by middle age, most have not only “found” that justification, but have called in the cement truck and not only mortared that baby shut- many (not all) have now moved on to the “this is the only legit way to believe” phase. That chapter of development where any new idea is a threat and scarier than an eternity swimming in dirty underwear so even considering the other side of a debate is just a “no-no”.
This is the stage I fondly refer to as the “Show your ass on Social Media” phase. These are the people who spend all day posting their “beliefs” on social media just looking for a fight or trolling for things they disagree with to insult or say “you’re stupid”. This makes me contemplate the idea of imagining we all walked around society with our beliefs tattooed to our heads (or stapled for those I would enjoy doing that sort of thing to) just looking for a fight? Imagine how this would limit us on who we met and how we interacted with other humans- yet we do it everyday on social media without a thought.
The amount of friendships that have ended over a Social Media exchange of idea’s is as mind blowing to me as the idea of floating around in a giant beach ball party. I don’t have any friends who believe “exactly” the same as I do on any topic – and to me – that’s what makes it fun. I can disagree and still not think “you’re stupid- an ass maybe, different yes, but not stupid” Just imagine this concept- everyone walking or scrolling right on by or better yet- not saying intentionally extremely controversial things in the first place.
Everybody knows a few people in this phase. Many of these people we actually love. Many of these people in any other setting are delightful humans. Granted some people come out the womb as a jackass, but for many it seems to be much easier behind a smartphone or computer. Somehow they feel the anonymity of the environment. It always makes me want to scream “NEWS FLASH- your name is on it dumb-ass and just because most CHOOSE not to argue doesn’t mean they agree or really even care what you think” You’ll have about as much luck changing my view with a social media post as I do of going a day with no dirty laundry.
(yes I know I write a blog, but yet- I don’t think anyone really cares what I think on a daily basis- well except my southern mother who is really only worried I’ll say a “bad” word- I just say it to get it off my chest and give the hubby a break)
Now I’m as guilty as any on occasion (some days during football season my social media looks like the ramblings of a lunatic- if the shoe fits – wear it proudly) I even have friends that politely do what is called “block” me” for 4 months a year and to each his own- I love her anyway! If she doesn’t wanna hear “I know kids in kindergarten who tackle better” who am I to say she’s wrong. She’s not wrong- she just doesn’t care anymore than I care about who you are not voting for in the presidential election or who you want – or don’t want – to pee with!!! I’ve formed my own opinions and hearing yours is really irrelevant to me- but to each his own…..
So back to the “why” of the human condition…..
The answers to the “why” are as multi colored as the cosmic beach balls and much more personal. They have been created by each of our own experiences. We each wake up in the morning with our own motivations, beliefs and directions. What we need to remember is they are ours and ours alone. If you feel the need to change mine then do you really believe your own? It’s always at least a good question to ponder……………
So til next time when we’ll look at the “how long” and ponder the benefits of my favorite new philosophy which I am adopting from my friend of “Everyday’s my birthday and every night is New Year’s Eve”. The hubby will be so pleased……………………………… 🙂
Things That Make Me Go Hmmmm…..
As I age the only thing that seems to be becoming abundantly clear is that everyday there are a new abundance of things that make me increasingly confused to where the only logical response I can muster is a giggle. Since I’ve heard of scientific studies…. (there are only a new 1000 that come out a day – so pick the one you like. My favorite is moms with big butts produce more intelligent children – that got a collective Hell Yeah from moms everywhere even though I’ve seen no evidence of it’s validity in any of my teens)
Oops rambling again… back to the scientific study that say our brains work like a filling system. I have started a new file which I labeled “Things that make me go hmmm” Now this new file is floating around up there somewhere in the -easy to access section – between the files of “70’s and 80’s commercial and TV jingles” and “useless celebrity knowledge I don’t wanna know and can’t forget” While the files of “My parasites names” (little cherubs most people call their children) and “Things I really need to do today” seem to be filed under the section – take your best guess cause we have no idea where it is right now.
So this new file seems to be filling up at a rapid pace and I better get a few on paper before my brain secretary (who seems to be passive/aggressive) accidentally moves it over to the middle aged section of “No idea why you came in to this room or where your car keys are” I have decided that file is in the darkest recesses of the basement covered in dust and impossible to access.
So as promised – here are a few of the things rambling around in my brain today that make me giggle and I hope you do too…….
- Why does McDonald’s only give out “Light” Mayo? If I was that worried about the fat content of the mayonnaise I probably wouldn’t be eating at McDonald’s in the first place. I would be cooking at home and eating a pan seared chicken breast cooked with no oil. If I’m ordering a big mac – not so much!! Now I do know they have healthy options now and that’s great, but I’m ordering a plain ole cheeseburger not a salad so give me my regular ole mayo. If I wanted “Light” I would’ve asked for it….
- Why can’t General Mills just make a bag of the rye chips in Chex Mix instead of making everyone dig through the bag like we’re digging for gold??? Surely they know that’s the whole reason we buy it!!!! Yes I know Gardetto’s does, but way to simple of an answer when I’m at home at 10 pm digging in the bag.
- When I watch the news I start to believe I may be the only person left in America who really could care less who sleeps with who as long as it’s not my husband??? All I keep asking myself is when did this become news in the first place (ie see file named useless celebrity knowledge I want to forget and can’t)
- Why can there be millions of educated Americans standing around, but any time the media needs an interview they find the one person who is a complete dumb-ass? I’m beginning to have a sneaking suspicion this skill is taught in journalism school under “How to dumb down American 101” (yes mom I know it’s a “bad word” so say an extra prayer, but sometimes they’re just needed- and look I used the correct “they’re”)
- Why can’t presidential candidates run on platforms I can really get behind. Screw the “NO new Taxes”, “Border walls” or “Planned parenthood” I want: “No more laundry- disposable clothing for all” or “Personal cooks for every household” Maybe I should run- I can see women being o.k. with more taxes for these priorities and hell you never know I just might win because If I am ever lost do not bother to put my face on a milk carton or even a wine bottle. You will have better luck with a box of Tide because I’m sure I’ll be buried under a mountain of dirty laundry somewhere!!
- Why can my parasites fix a truck, operate a smart phone, go to school, and in general be fully functioning humans, but the buttons on the oven, dishwasher, or washing machine and dryer be completely beyond their grasp. They actually stand there and stare like it’s a machine from outer space. I suspect there’s some serious deception going on that they learned from their grandfather…….. but I have no proof
- Why is there no Homer Simpson “Doh” emoji for parents of teenagers? This isn’t just needed it’s a requirement. Have you seen some of the dumb shit they do……
- Instead of the “like or comment” options on Social Media why can’t there be a “WE GET IT ALREADY” option. If anyone was confused about your political or religious beliefs before the first 100 you posted yesterday- I doubt the second 100 today are gonna make it any clearer….
- And my favorite- Why do people keep tagging me in things that imply I’m mean to my kids or a bitch? Oops- after reading back over my blog never mind- I get it- just don’t care 🙂
So there ya have it – the first edition of “Things that make me go hmmmm” I’m sure they’ll be another unless the secretary decides to let it get lost in the dark and dusty basement, along with the location of my car keys, middle aged brain. Here’s to hoping instead she lets it gets attached to the “My bologna has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R” I had no idea in my youth I was entering into a long term relationship with bologna, but that sucker’s embedded til death do us part!!
Institutionalized Chaos
“”Marriage is a great institution- if you like being institutionalized” – that’s the statement I’ve always heard anyway………
The main question in every happy marriage at some point comes down to this… “Smother him in his sleep or put the earphones in and just play happy music until it passes?” STOP- before everyone gets their knickers in a wad- I’m a woman so I used the pronoun “him”, but trust me I am well aware the feeling is mutual and he’s felt the same way about me just as many times in all these years of marriage.
Tonight I am choosing listening to the music (your release may be something besides music, but just go with me here) I am dancing to the music not because it wouldn’t be simple to smother him in his sleep or that I couldn’t hide the body. (I’m a Southern woman with access to a chipper shredder, at least 10 bottles of bleach, and miles of woodlands) I choose the music tonight because even though I don’t really “like him” right this minute I am well aware I would quickly miss him if he were gone.
Some days as I look at his face I think to myself- really “You Again”? (oh hush- you’ve all thought it at least once if your married – it’s not my fault you won’t grow a set and say it out loud) On these days there is a standard monologue that shortly flows through my conscience. It sounds something like this “RELAX- this too shall pass- you know he’s a good man, he usually makes you laugh, he’s been a great dad and you still actually love him after all these years” The first question I always have as these thoughts flow through is “where did SHE come from?” Why does my conscience always have the sweet southern accent and sound EXACTLY like my mother?? That’s a whole different topic for a later date, but let’s just say it’s sooooo not fair……………..
I remember looking at this man sleeping next to me when we were newly married with all the fascination of a new born baby. I remember feeling how lucky and happy and nothing could ever change that feeling. Almost 20 years and three parasites (children for those sweeter parents) later – nope no more fascination at all – just a snoring asshole. Luckily an asshole I would quickly miss! (Insert annoying sweet southern accent monologue here)
As women, the entertainment industry feeds us princess movies and romantic movies designed to show us what relationships “should look like”, but have you ever noticed they all end after “they get together” and never show us the everyday monotony of waking up and going to bed with the same person for 20 or 50 years. Why do you think that is????
I’ll tell you- The first reason is that would be a horribly boring movie. Can you imagine watching a movie on the drudgery of everyday life? The only thing that movie would be good for is replacing counting sheep. The main reason we don’t see that type of movie is the reality of that kind of love isn’t pretty. That kind of love isn’t all butterflies and rainbows. That kind of love takes commitment (mainly a commitment not to kill them), but a commitment just the same.
I’ve been really lucky and watched my parents hit the 50 years of marriage milestone this year. I’ve watched them do the ebbs and flows of marriage with as much grace as anyone could ever expect.(50 years is a long ass time) It wasn’t always pretty. It wasn’t a perfect marriage (there’s no such thing), but it was as good of an example as anyone could ask. I watched them love each other, dislike each other,and always come back to love. They taught me a lot about true love- true love takes commitment, sacrifice, and a complete surrender of yourself on occasion (i.e. don’t smother them in their sleep) Some days you’ll wake up and may not want to see their face, but if it’s the right one give it a few days and it will probably be different.
As I sit here tonight after deciding that I couldn’t do away with him, not because I couldn’t, but because I didn’t really want too because I would miss him- I realized maybe that’s what real long term love is….. It’s the commitment to wait the few days to see, it’s the commitment to try, it’s the commitment to the everyday chaos and monotony, and definitely the commitment to listen to the happy music and not smother them.
I guess that means if I’ve got to be institutionalized – I’ve chosen this institutionalized chaos…………………
If the Shoe Fits…….
Well here I sit on my back deck with the computer in my lap on an absolutely beautiful spring day trying to determine which one of these crazy idea’s floating around in my brain I will share with the world today. I took a hiatus for quite a while and realized after writing the other night I missed it more than I cared to admit.
I enjoy the release and the self examination that comes with writing. Some people choose to look in the mirror and reflect. As I age, I still use this method on occasion, but there is only so much evaluation I can do in the mirror. After you convince yourself those are “laugh” lines and show you’ve had a great life the reality of “I’m just getting damn old” creeps in. I find it best to move away quickly before my brain, who is still convinced it’s 15 on a good day and 20 on a bad day, explodes. It really hates that reality and I have found it’s much more fun to let it have it’s way.
I can promise you the hubby and parasites (children for those nicer than me) really don’t miss their “favorite” wife and mom and her writing. After I wrote the last blog and made the announcement “I believe I’ll pick up writing again” there was a huge collective sign that I am pretty sure even Prince in heaven heard. Then their negotiations began. Things like- “Can we not document every embarrassing moment in our lives” To which I replied to these poor,, pitiful, pleading members of my family in the sweetest smart ass voice I could muster between the giggles “Oh sure, no one would EVER want to hear the story of how I set off a complete pack of firecrackers in your room one morning when you wouldn’t get up because that’s just too mundane” (Yes that really did happen and if you’re a parent who struggles with the teenager and getting up – I highly recommend the method especially if you make them clean up the shrapnel)
Since at least three of these people are stuck with me for life,whether they like it or not, I get a little more leeway than with most. This is the only advantage you get when you actually build them inside your body, spit them out of your loins and then feed them from your chest for months and then cook for them and have to hand out $20’s for years to come. (ie. parasites) Since it’s the only advantage I get I figured I should exploit it to the fullest. The hubby- lets just say that’s a whole different exchange program 🙂
So back to here I sit with all these crazy idea’s and as I evaluate each one and flesh em out in my brain I remember why I took the hiatus in the first place. Most of the things that inspire me to write my brand of comedy are either controversial or would be easy recognizable to others as to who I was “picking” on.
In this everything offends me world comedy has become really hard. I’m a person that thinks that you can find a little funny in almost everything. It’s usually all in your perspective. I choose to see the funny (remember- those are laugh lines not wrinkles- it’s my make believe world and I like it here) I do my best to surround myself with others who do the same and thank my lucky stars there are still a few, but most take themselves and their beliefs waaaay to seriously.
I don’t ever really want to hurt anyone and I definitely never mean to offend and I refuse to argue with those who do not get comedy so I’ve evaluated and I’ve decided there is only one course of action for this old Southern woman to take. I’m gonna have two different blogs. I’m going to keep this one for the mostly non controversial and the “in general” harmless stuff and create another anonymous blog for the I don’t give a damn what anyone thinks.
I’m excited about this new venture!! Somewhere I can just write, evaluate myself and the world, say what I please without the polite Southern restrictions I place on myself should be fun and hey it’s a safer release than say- running away or drugs. Those are typically frowned upon.
So for those of you who get easily offended or take everything way to seriously- if the next blog that goes viral seems to be about you and the baby shoe fits- you never know- it just might be!! 🙂
The Day The Music and My Youth Died
I remember the night vividly in August of 1977 when Elvis Presley passed away!!
I was a girl of the mere age of 9. We were at a place known as an old Southern Campground. For those of you not familiar, this is a place where a bunch of crazy southern people live in what is basically a shack with wood shaving floors for 10 days in the sweltering hot part of summer with no air conditioning, but- full kitchens, bedrooms and showers and church 3 times a day (yes I did say 3 times a day-it’s the bible buckle) If you have never been to one of these events you might believe that only one crazy family would venture to do this insanity every year and you might be right in the beginning- because it does have a family name, but to your surprise after 150 years of the event there are now over 100 different families who live in crazy proximity to each other in shacks in the misery of the southern summer heat with no air conditioning. I would continue, but this insanity really deserves it’s on time at a later date…………..
Back to the day Elvis died…. I had just turned the tender age of 9. I was at the crazy campground surrounded by many different people of all ages as we returned from evening service (Church for those not familiar with southern slang) and the radios announced Elvis Presley’s passing. Many of the women in their 40’s and 50’s began to cry. I remember becoming completely confused. These were women I had known for all my young life. I had seen them become the complete Rock of Gibraltars when family members passed and handle everything like a prize fighter (for those of you that don’t know many southern women – we handle what needs to be done and typically cry in private- Scarlett O’Hara wasn’t far off)
These strong women, who I had always seen as rocks, suddenly sat on the porches of their shacks together crying. These women who I had witness handle spouses and parents deaths, look at single motherhood in the 70’s without a second thought and conquer became weeping children because a celebrity whom they didn’t even know had passed away.
This was very confusing to a 9 year. I knew Elvis, my dad had a friend who loved Elvis- he even had the sideburns and looked like him and only played his music when we were at their house. I was aware he sang music, which to me, was tame and kinda dated. I knew he made movies- I had even seen a few and thought they were cheesy. Nothing I knew of Elvis helped me comprehend these women and their grief. I remember being a child baffled.
Well today was MY turn and I am no longer baffled!! Prince passed away today! Prince was the music of my formative youth. Prince was the music that had racy lyrics and themes we hid from our parents. He and Madonna (she’s still here) were our generations rebellion. I can’t be the only person that still remembers singing “Party Like It’s 1999” and thinking how far away that was and now it’s 17 years in the rear view….. He might of been the first to say masturbate on an album, but I doubt it- just the first one we heard. (Thank goodness for Darling Nikki) The Purple Rain album was the one we hid and took to camps and played after the chaperons went to bed. Prince was the soundtrack of my generation. When my brain still wants to be 15 regardless of my body and it’s aches the Prince and Madonna soundtracks still play.
What I realized today was those women, who were my age now, I saw crying in the 70’s were children of the 50’s when Elvis was racy. He was the music they hid from their parents when they were teenagers. He was the music they danced too when no one was watching and sang loudly when no one was listening and everything was ahead of you and anything was possible. Elvis was a person they did not know. They were not crying for the death of Elvis the man. They were grieving for the realization of their youth being gone. They grieved for the innocence and immaturity of youth. They grieved for the brutal realization of adulthood which had always been there, but as long as that ICON was there could somehow be recaptured. The death somehow made it permanent.
Getting old has it’s advantages (age and treachery over youth and enthusiasm an all), but damn some days the knees hurt!
Every generation has a “Day the Music Died” which actually should be translated to “The Day My Youth Died” because that is how we actually react and grieve. One generation had the day Buddy Holly and others passed in a plane crash, the next generation had Elvis passing and based on my 40 and 50 year old friends reactions today ours is Prince’s death.
To all of my friends floating with me in the same boat of middle age grieving our youth and all of those possibilities that we feel passed with Prince today just remember- “We are gathered here today to get through this thing called Life” so the next time you see a Purple Rain just dance and embarrass the kids- it’s all we got so might as well enjoy after you had your cry!!!
Oh- and don’t forget to keep on partying like it’s 1999- it’ll confuse the young folk until they’re at least 45 when it’ll be there turn too!!!! 🙂
REDS WORLD TODAY 