On The Road Again!

Aside Posted on Updated on

Yesterday as I was taking a road trip my mind started to wander (I was riding not driving so no where near as dangerous than it wandering normally is)  As I was riding down the road I started to think about our interstates. The United States interstate system was developed to help get goods to us quickly and cheaply. Our grocery stores are full of things now for us to buy so it can just rot in our refrigerator. These roads are becoming ever more important because we need our things, such as banana’s. Banana’s and their potassium are important and can fend off infertility. After having 3 parasites in less than 4 years, (children for those sweeter than me) banana’s have been outlawed in my home. I may need strawberries, but (sing along) “we have no banana’s – we have no banana’s today” I am also about to have three teenagers so I am really ok with anything that can enhance selective and time lined infertility so no banana’s for them either. Actually I’m all for using any and all non permanent infertility aids. As a matter of fact – I pray for them.

These interstates were also put in place for us average Joe’s to get from point A to point B much quicker. They all look the same though. As a matter of fact most of the time we can’t even tell the difference in what part of the country we are in other than the trees that mind-dumbingly line each side of the interstate. When we used to drive down old 2 lane or 4 lane highways we got to see many things and learn a little more about a culture.  Now we pretty much are resigned to learning about their trees and their culture through what’s on an exit ramp and billboards. 

This started me giggling about what outsiders must be learning about the south while driving through.

1) We have pine trees 
We have lots and lots of pine trees, If they happen to come during April they can even experience a whole new version of yellow snow. This isn’t the yellow snow of the north during winter- this is a whole new experience. When our pine trees (or evergreens for those from other parts) decide to pollinate they produce enough enough bright yellow/green stuff to populate the world.  They don’t populate the world- they actually just cover everything with this yellow/green dust like substance that is about the same consistency as sand. I always love to watch the new transplants trying to keep their cars clean during this new experience- it takes a few years to learn it’s a lesson in futility.  We southerners just know – wait it out- wash it in two weeks. 

2) We really really really like waffles!
Get off the interstate in most Southern states and turn to the left or the right and there will sit that little yellow topped building called Waffle House (usually on both sides of the exit).  They are all open 24 hours a day so if you need a waffle fix at 3 am we’ve gotcha covered. Many parts of the country have adult rights of passages. I have decided the South really has two. The 2 am drunk waffle visit and the 11 am hung over Waffle House visit. Once you have done both you are officially ready for adult life in the South and if you accomplish both in one day you are ready to conquer the world. There is no better “hair of the dog” than a grease fest Waffle House visit. You can do your Bloody Mary if you want, but I’ll take my medicine scattered, covered and smothered please.

3) Club Risqué is as important as peaches and nuts (there might be a joke in that)
Now I know they’ve changed their names, but if you’ve driven on our interstates you’ve seen the billboards. These billboards have caused many a complicated and entertaining conversations between mothers and children. As soon as they begin to read the question always comes “mom, what’s adult entertainment?” Some mothers almost wreck and some mothers say I’m not sure and the mothers like me say “well it’s kinda like shoe shopping, but different and I’ll explain it later.” Phew!! Now on to the next question “mom, what’s a pecan log?” I just smile sweetly and make the dirty jokes in my head.
You would think that being in the Bible Belt we would have serious issue’s with all of this adult entertainment advertising, but we seem to be able to live in the duality just fine. We have more churches per capita than other region. There is one on about every corner, but in our history there was a bunch of towns that the only things that gave the churches a run for their money was the brothels. We just didn’t put em on the corners we actually gave them a whole part of town. I think we understand that not everyone needs the same stimuli to say “Oh God” and we appreciate religious fervor in all it’s forms.

Now on this trip I had the pleasure to get off the interstate and go off the beaten path for a while and oh the education on the south these people are missing. I started to add them here, but realized that if I can’t write a whole blog on a store that advertises lingerie and bait then I should never write again. So until next time………………..

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